excitement and also nerves a new baby brings. We then started talking about PPD and how it was for me.
Although I was a couple of glasses of wine in, this conversation brought tears to my eyes and I realized I haven't journaled about it in a long time and the effect it had on me.
My husband told me .. "I knew it was more then baby blues when you didn't even want to hold Alan or have anything to do with him and the incessant crying all hours of the day".
Pause.......
He continued... "I remember hearing Alan crying in the middle of the night and walked in to see him laying on the changing pad, diaper half off, and you on the floor bawling saying you can't do this anymore".
This was my reality. I remember that night...where just a simple diaper change and a crying baby had thrown me so far over that all I could do was lay in a heap on the floor and cry my eyes out.
I think back now, the love I have for Alan and its hard to imagine that I was feeling that way at that time. But its true, I remember it, raw, hard and real.
I remember the feeling of stone cold loneliness I felt at the time. That no one understood where I was, and that I was locked in this hard shell of unfeeling and depression. It was a horrible horrible place, one that I would never ever want to revisit again. Feeling paralyzed and anxious, fatigued and hyper, gripping the ends of earth for a peace to wash over you and make it go away. Yet it wouldn't go away.
I thank God for friends and family at that time, though I'm sure I don't remember who was around because of the daze I was in. I do remember my friends Kate and Jen coming over with lunch (though I had no appetite) and sitting with me, holding this newborn baby and letting me finally get a few minutes of sleep because for some reason when they were there I got sense of that peace I was gripping for. For the peace and kindness they brought they will forever not know how much it meant to me.
My husband said how different it was from just when we left the hospital, that I was o excited for this new little bundle, holding him and smiling in awe of such a miracle. No one else knew but as I look back I saw how the PPD had started to creep in just a day later from his birth. I remember feeling lonely at the hospital, feeling stuck while the rest of the world could come and go as they please. I remember being frustrated that I could not sleep because it was constant checking of vitals and such. I remember the fear on the last day that we would be packing Alan up and heading home to where there would be no help. I almost didn't want to strap him into that seat because in my head it was a new destination, a scary one, one that I wasn't swarmed with love and joy about. Yes the PPD had already crept in.
Upon walking into the house, that my wonderful sister had cleaned and decorated for our arrival, I was not happy to be home, I was tired..I was afraid because a part of me knew what would be coming in the next week if this horrible monster forming in my head grew more.
And my predictions were right.
I don't remember at any time actually wanting to hurt my baby, I just remember I wanted him to go away to someone who would "love him more" because I didn't feel it.
I was glad my sister was living with us because I'm sure she took on even more then my foggy brain remembers helping me out.
Thanks to the awareness of my husband who not knowing if this was normal behavior for a new mother but insisted on calling the doctor a few days later to find out.
Because I couldn't...I couldn't reach out and tell people that I was dead inside and that I needed help. Its odd that the thing you need to do you can't because your paralyzed by this depressive beast keeping you unhappy. That is why it is a MUST for people around a PPD person to take action...because they can't.
As I write all of this out, I still have tears recounting this story. It was one of those moments in time that were the most horrible but in a way the most amazing time of my life because Alan was born.
PPD is a real and horrible disease and one that is still not talked about often. In fact it is often looked at alot as all being in the mothers mind or something you just "get through" without help.
This is not the case, its real and debilitating. But you can get through, when you know the signs to look for and seek help.
I guess I'm finally getting the courage to really talk about this part of my life, the one that still brings mist into my eyes because when I look at Alan...4 1/2 years later, an amazing and special soul, I can't imagine him not being here.
Thank you for listening to my story, this is more for my healing process then it is for me to tell the world about.
