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Thursday, February 2, 2023

Cardinals

 Wings of crimson

retreat my thoughts

pulling me out of my head.


grace of feathers

lost in illusions

stuck in storms of weather.



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Valentine Sour

 a post from a year ago


Today is Valentines day.  Past years would have been romantic dinner plans and bouquets of flowers with fuzzy cards.  Instead I'm sitting under a fleece blanket in the morning room.  Sunshine warming me with hugs.  I see a pile of laminate flooring samples left over from a year ago when we thought about pricing flooring.


My stomach is tied in a million knots as we have our first mediator meeting.  The anxiey pit I fell in my stomach is devastating.  Its all so sad and so surreal.  Not rainbows and glitter like wedding planning.


My thoughts reel with having to give up endless nights with my children.  They grow so fast. I don't want to miss anything.

I don't want to scare them.  I want to protect them from all of this.

I hate that this is the reality.  I wish I was buying red wine and chocolates hoping to rekindle our marriage with a stupid American holiday.


I know I have to sit with this feeling.  This place of hard.  Hard like my stomach ( and not in a flat stomach kind of way lol)


I know things have to be done so that the future can be brighter but why do we have to have these hard seasons of growth? Why didn't I get to have the happy ever after marriage.


The unknown is scary but staying doesn't seem to be an option anymore as the muck keeps resurfacing.  I don't want to ever go through this again.

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