Life is one big cycle, let yourself ride through it

    Everything in this life on earth is a cycle. We are born, we live, we die.  We learn, learn again, and learn some more.  As I gain more wisdom with my time here, I have started to see how relationships, emotions, friendships, families, and of course even the moon all go through cycles.  The one that I see this the most with is my marriage.  I remember reading somewhere how marriages go through cycles, one of the ways it was described was below:
.
     Passion

Realization

Rebellion

Cooperation

Reunion

Explosion

Completion

This goes over and over again through the course of your married years.  Some make it through this, some fall apart.  It has been really neat seeing the cycles rotate through (though not fun at times).  One thing it has given me though is hope, even in those times when your in the muck and just not feeling it, just remember that you will "cycle" through that period and be back in a period of passion or reunion, or whatever it might be.


    As I have talked about before in my blogs, my husband and I went through a miscarriage around the time that our first born was a year and half old.  I have realized over the past 6 years that I was going through a cycle of mourning that whole time.  I didn't know I was, I thought I had completed the mourning and moved on but I know now that that was not the case.  We are currently pregnant (17 weeks) and I am seeing the healing that this pregnancy is providing me from the miscarriage.  I have started to get excited, feeling the movements, looking at strollers and clothes and thinking of the future giggles we are going greet with excited giggles of our own.
 
    When this pregnancy started that was not the case, I was a raging case of hormones, scared, intimidated, worried.  As was Randy.  I was able to conquer it a little faster then him and I was mad that he was not as excited and happy as I was.  But just as we are all different human beings, we all take different time for things.  He took a little longer to get used to the change, and it did come.  I have seen him so happy the past couple weeks and so proud to announce to people.  I have seen how it is changing our marriage for the better, its allowing us both to heal from the miscarriage.  Its allowing us to have joy in a creation we made together.  I'm not saying that its the perfect marriage now and we are forever happy because that is disillusionment.  I know there are going to be many more rough times, many more growing times but as of right now I'm resting in this "cycle" of just adoration for this tiny being that is being formed in utero.


    What does this mean for all of us? It means that we need to push through, we need to allow ourselves the growth that is taking place.  We need to let thorns push their tiny spines through our skin piercing it and making it bleed.  We need to allow that pain, the suffering to reshape the vine.  I promise if you do let that happen then you will be rewarded with a beautiful, bold, velvety soft flower blossoming on your soul.  It will reach for the sky, waive to the sun and kiss the raindrops.  And just as the cycle continues, it will reach its end, shrivel softly, into tiny dried bits and fall back to the earth.  But it won't disappear....it will disinigrate into tiny microscopic pieces that will then nourish the next thorny vine.  The cycle will continue, the cycle will be blessed if you let it.


   


   
   
   

Fathers and for fathers

   I was brought to tears this morning by a very simple text. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones but it's also just the sure fact that I love my dad so much.  I had texted my father that I would be dropping my son off around lunch to run to an appointment.  My father is not a texter but he quickly responded "I'll be here, love dad".

   I am so grateful for the moments I have with him since we almost lost him around 7 year ago due to health problems.  God has healed him and not only physically but I think he healed a lot emotionally.  He was always a loving father, strict as a dad should be, maybe not the most easy to talk to but every now and then great wisdom would pour out just when you needed to hear it.  He had a rough childhood so it's pretty amazing he turned into the old softie he is now.

    I remember that dark night in the ICU when he was unresponsive, the priest had been called in for last rites and I stood over him, praying for his return while comforting my moms avalanche of tears.  I heard him speak to me- soul to soul... He said "tell your mom I'm ok.  I love you cutie"

    "Cutie" is my dads term for me, and I have now found myself calling my own son that near and dear term.   I can't explain the peace I had after I heard that, knowing that he was going to be ok no matter what.  On a positive note he did end up making it through that night and is here 7 years later living the rest of his life out. 

  I know the day will come, and it's not that far away when he will be taken to heaven and we will shed many tears but I am also so grateful for the life he gave me, the wisdom he has taught me and the love he has shown me.

  I am who I am because of his direction in my life.  I love you dad, with all my heart.

Cabin fever

We are having our 8th snow day this winter, that's how bad a winter it has been.  Being pregnant on top of it doesn't help because you just don't have the energy to do anything yet your so sick if laying around.  I feel bad for Alan because he is bored out of his mind too. I hate when I feel like this.  Truley hope we have an early spring so I can get outside, smell fresh air and not be so bored.