I live with a high functioning alcoholic and no one in the world knows
I have a wonderful but very spunky 10 month old that gets into everything and is exhausting
I have an emotional 9 year old that only sees the stressed mama lately
My house is a mess, I can't keep up with it
My period is about to start so my hormones are crazy
I think I have a sinus infection but can't get in to the doctor until they are open
My weekends are full of agendas and obligations and I am so overwhelmed
My mind is constantly thinking of what needs done, what is overdue at the library, what I have to cook for dinner, what part of the house needs cleaned, answering texts and emails, appointments and sport games, practices , gym time, etc
A: allowing
I allow myself to feel these feelings
Unworthy, anxious, should have it all together, lonely, emotionally empty, sad, exhausted, feel crazy, frustrated, angry, jealous, stressed, like this house would fall part if I wasn't here
I: Investigating with kindness
What is happening inside of me?
I think I reached breaking point- being to busy breaks me down, and when I try to rest I can't, because it's often all on me, and I think I'm sick of hiding under the functional alcoholic rock- yet I'm paralyzed as to where to go- it's like the reaching out of codependency stage. I want out, I acknowledge what's going on yet I don't know how to get out without a string- I need someone to help direct me and lead me to the waters.
What most wants my attention?
My emotional side is yearning for someone to listen to me, someone to hug and caress me in a non sexual way, to just comfort me.
How am I experiencing this in my body?
My body is run down, fatigued, achy, my heart is always racing, my mind is always thinking, I do not sleep peacefully anymore. I wake up sweating, I wake up tired, I wake up unrefreshed- and even though I'm tired I cannot sleep
I HATE MYSELF LIKE THIS
"This applies to all of us. When we behave in hurtful, reactive ways, it’s because we’re caught in some kind of painful trap. The more we investigate the source of our suffering, the more we cultivate a compassionate heart toward ourselves and others." -mindful.org
I am I a trap of dealing with an alcoholic
That is my suffering
"When I recognized how my leg was in a trap—sickness compounded with self aversion— my heart filled with sorrow and genuine self-care. The investigating deepened as I gently put my hand over my heart—a gesture of kindness— and invited whatever other feelings were there to surface. A swell of fear (uncertainty for my future) spread through my chest, followed by an upwelling of grief at losing my health. The sense of self-compassion unfurled fully as I mentally whispered, It’s all right, sweetheart, and consciously offered care to the depths of my vulnerability, just as I would to a dear friend." - mindful.org
N: Natural Loving awareness
