Wearing thin

I give people who go through cancer, chemo, other serious diseases lots of credit.  I don't think I could handle it honestly.  I'm dealing with just simple little nausea(not even throwing up) and it's really wearing me thin.  Unrelenting and keeping me from getting things done around the house, I'm feeling overwhelmed.  It's also bringing up issues of control.  I get things done on my own a lot, I don't like relying on others. When I do it, it's done and it's over.  When others do it I have to wait for their timing, and the project sits there while I stare at it.

    My friends have often told me I don't let others take care of me, and where that comes from I'm not sure. Maybe a large family where you had to fend for yourself a lot.  Living on a farm with lots of responsibilities, or just it's my irish German catholic heritage.  

    So I come to a time where I need to rely on others and I'm trying but those that are helping me aren't good at it.  And it's causing me disappointment and anger at him.  I see a kitchen uncleaned for five days, I see a bunkbed still in pieces, I see laundry in a pile unwashed.  Yet there are many ways that I am being helped.  Getting Alan to bed, taking care of the cars..taking out the garbage.  

   So is it more of a point that no one is perfect, that everything can't get done and that I need to just be ok with that and not control it.

    I was given the scripture last night:  " my grace is sufficient, for my power is made perfect in your weakness"

I read this scripture in three different places in 3 totally random sites so I knew The Lord was giving it to me.  

    I feel that I'm being stripped of things: patience, energy, joy, etc and in that stripping I'm being made weak.  And in that weakness God is filling me and using me for his greater glory.  I whine like a little child because I hate being in the itchy not fun place of life.  Yet if I just focus on the good works that god is using this for then I will make it through stronger.  Because it's all about his grace, and I need to rely on that.

Negative thinking

Sometimes we can get so caught up in our negative thinking that we don't even realize it's grasp. ....

But wait, how can we not realize it, I mean I know what I'm saying and thinking and I know I'm feeling crappy so how do I not realize its tight grip?

I think because when we are in that place of sadness and anxiety, it's so low, it's so dark, it's so scary that we feel almost that we are in a tunnel that has no exit out.  Like we are going to be trapped forever and the fog will never lift.  Which is why it is soooo important to reach out to others to lift you out. 

I was given a simple prayer yesterday when I was in the throes of the anxiety:

Spirit of depression and spirit of anxiety BEGONE!  You don't belong in this body, get out!

I repeated this mantra over and over, and I felt the fog lift.  I was naming the spirit and not letting it rule over me. I was asking for help from God, friends, higher powers to help decrease it's grasp. And it wasn't a "cut loose-

yae I'm free"feeling but slowly, finger by finger loosening- letting go- release.  I guess I'm discovering that I do have the power to rewire my thinking.  My wires became crossed somewhere in the past few years because I never used to get anxiety so it's just a matter of learning how to put those circuits back in place.

I also kept repeating how the feeling won't last forever because it doesn't- and even though it's horrible in the moment it won't last forever

Redemption comes, healing flows, we are released. 

Feeling queasy

Feeling queasy the last couple days- forgot what this felt liked!!

News

Got the news today and it's a mixture of excitement but also fistful of nerves and apprehension . It's hard to read what Rabdy is thinking, it's hard to think if a new plan- I just need grace to keep me calm and guide me through the next change.  We know I'm not a huge fan of change :)

The bridges will be built

Sometimes we need to be reminded- to go minute by minute.  Instead of worrying over the big picture, the future, the what ifs.  Even if that means you wrestle all day with the thoughts swinging back and forth on the jungle ropes of your mind.  Take the swing back as victory, take the swing forward as victory.  It's not a win lose situation.  Go easy on yourself in those moments when your soul needs tended to.  Realize that by acknowledging the feelings of restlessness that you are building bridges in the process.  And one day you will walk those sturdy, quiet bridges instead of swinging the ropes.

Laughs

I keep laughing tonight at some shenanigans my neighbor and I dressed up as tonight for Halloween.  

I feel like life is to short, people are to serious and Im guilty!

    Have fun, do silly things, laugh with friends because that is what life is about!!! Nothing else counts in the big scheme!!

To be right where we are supposed to be

Was just moseying on Facebook and came across a post.  The question was " What do you struggle with as a mom/woman" and someone posted this:

Remembering that God has called me to be a stay-at-home-mom right now, and recognizing the value in my position as their mommy.

This stuck out to me because its my biggest struggle right now.  Society has pushed women back into the workforce, money is stretched these days and it takes two incomes to survive.  If your on one, you struggle.  You rack up debt, you forgo cruise vacations that Facebook friends are smiling away in, you feel guilty for dinners out.

    Yet there is a treasure I am experiencing.  Picking up my son from school and allowing him to have friends over, volunteering in his classroom, being able to stay home and nurture him when he is sick( without feeling guilty that I have to call off work).

     The biggest feat I always seem to work against is trusting in Gods plan.  I guess in my little head I think, well if God really wanted me to be a stay at home mom then we wouldn't have debt, we would have financial abundance.

     Who am am I to try to figure it out?  I should just trust in his plan, rely on where he leads me and not worry about the future.  I should relish in the sweet joy of being home with my little guy because time is fleeting and it will pass quickly.  Money comes and goes and doesn't follow up to heaven.  I promise do trust in the journey god has me on, even if its a struggle at times- because the love of family is far richer then any amount of dollars.  

"Blessed are the poor in spirit for they shall inherit the earth".  

Patoochi Burgers

     It was one of those random unplanned nights where I found myself at my parents.  They were packing to leave out west in the morning.  Alan had been wanting to see them so I decided to stop in before they left.

Even though my mom still had a lot to do, her and my father sat down and asked me how things were.

     One thing I love about my dad is he is funny.  My mom was in her stressed packing mode flinging out maps and highlighting their route while my dad was just sitting being in the present.  All of a sudden as we are talking about their trip dad says something about how there will be  patoochie burgers to eat out west.

     I laugh until tears are in my eyes because its just one of my dads "things"- patoochie burgers.  He made them up and will randomly throw them in stories.  I hadn't heard the word in so long that I had forgotten about it. 

    Upon driving home I was thankful for my farewell visit, short but sweet that I had with them.  And I was reminded about the joy that my parents always bring.  The belly crying laughs that I share

with my dad and just the gratefulness for  the people they are. 

SMA

     This week we found out my two year old nephew Luke has SMA type 2.  He could possibly be in a wheelchair and other complications through the years.  I had a feeling before it was confirmed that it was SMA so maybe I was more prepared for the news.  

    It also could be my delayed processing, often when I first hear big news I don't react right away, it takes awhile for news to sink in and feelings to develop over the matter. 

    I wonder though, in this case that as I get older and accumulate more wisdom I now have tools for how to deal with adversity.  The years that both my father and father in law went through great health problems was also the year I was dealing with postpartum depression, miscarriages and financial strife. 

    I look back and I am really amazed at the rocks and rubble that I did climb through to get on top.   I think through these trials and also through my strong faith and dependence on God that this news didn't shake my boat.  

    Some might say I'm naive to not think of this issue as life or death, and maybe it's because it's not my child and people  always react stronger to their own children.  But I think it's more a knowing and a trust that everything will be fine. God has gotten me through amazing circumstances and he always will.  He will give my sister the tools and strength no matter what comes her way.  

    Maybe this is a good lesson for all that life isn't ever going to be perfect. That tragedy will always knock on our door but to realize that we are stronger than the tragedy.  That in the end we will be with our Father in heaven.  I Thank you God almighty for your love, your comfort and your peace.  

Peace

   I've really been prioritizing my prayer time lately.  Making time with God daily and I feel the grace of peace.  Sometimes when I get in my selfish mode and ignore the fruits he has, I find myself just in a place of discontent, anxiety, restlessness.  Then it's these moments when I put the effort in to know him, to spend time with him, that I see the amazing peace he gives me.  And I treasure it, I just want to bottle it, because it feels so amazing- probably how Heaven will feel.  Things work, relationships are enjoyable, and I make it through, even on tough days or stressful situations, I'm able to handle it different.  I am filled with such gratitude, amazement and contentment at the really important things in this very short life we live here in earth.  I cannot thank you enough Father for the growth and wisdom. I've battled some piercing thorns in the past few years, but it's always those times that I really grow closer to you.  And for that I cannot thank you enough.

Healing

If there is anything I've learned about healing, it's that it takes time, years, eternity.  We often do not realize we are still going through the healing process because it is such a long journey.

   Why all this talk about healing? Because that has been my road for the past 9 years.  I will start out by saying "I'm a mother of three."  

What? A stranger would ask, but you have one son? Yes one living son.  I had 2 miscarriages, one before and one after my full term pregnancy.

I do not say I have 3 children when people ask me because it would most likely lead to a question mark, confused, awkward explanation.

   I know two moms who actively tell people they have " .." kids when both had pregnancies that failed.  They both went full term but delivered babies stillborn.  They took pictures of their lost babies, they mourned their lost babies, they talk to this day about their lost babies.  Do I do that? No... 

   I mourned for a day or two and then was like "I'm fine",it was meant to be, etc. I've realized now that I have spent the past 9 years going through different stages of healing and I'm coming out on top.  

    Sometimes I'm bitter at those women that got to touch thier baby, see them, where as I was knocked out from anesthesia, wheeled to recovery and given pamphlets on  what to expect for the next couple days.  But other times I look at it as a blessing- to be surprised that in heaven one day, i will meet the babies I never knew.

    I think what I've realized is given any circumstance, we can make it through the tough, that though everyone's situations are different, we all hurt in the same way.  We can heal (though it takes time),we can look back and see the blessings amidst the rocky roads.  

    We are all strong when we need to be and we can get through anything that comes our way and come out on top. We need to have faith in our inborn spirit and not doubt ourselves or compare to others.

I am grateful for the path God chose for me and I am thankful for the healing along the way.

Insomnia

A trick is played, it's mastery

Unto the sweet dark it lets you 

Drift, unaware of the wicked game

a flashing  yellow crossing light

Snares away the nights precious zzz's

Eyes opened searching the blind space

Thoughts churn like a cement mixer

Heavy and thick, pouring down into

My souls abyss

Disappointment crawls 

through my veins as I realize once again I'm caught in its evil snare

You will not defeat me in the witching hour

Stand strong with my silver sword

Axing away it's grip with words

That rest my weary soul. 

-Colleen 8-3-2013

When have you been aware that your life energy was directly being used by God?

This question was brought up by Connie at prayer group this morning.  And follow up question to it was "What did that tell you about the gifts God has given you"

     I struggled with answering this because I couldn't think of an answer. I thought about how I spent a lot of time with my nieces listening and just being with them but besides that??

So then I started thinking about my God given gifts and thought how it relates to what I have been contemplating on lag couple days.  I really need to spend some time in prayer to come up with what they are because I can't take them. I feel like once I name those gifts it will help me discover the next step I am supposed to take.  I know it has to be something creative, something with nature, something independent, free schedule wise.

Last meditation

I found that last meditation on la website and it struck a chord. We are supposed to handle what God throws at us, and with his help he can make us see the riches that can come out of it.   I always think I have to have a plan for what's next, I stress and worry myself to death about the next chapters of my life.  But it is only in the times where I completely let God take the reins and lead me that I find complete peace. (Take my yoke and I will give you rest - Matthew 11:39)

    How many times does he have to pound it in my head that he never leads me astray, that he always reveals to me. Yet I consistently doubt that it will be revealed, that I will be fumbling on rocks unsure of my path.

   My prayer today is once again to trust that when timing is right it shall be revealed and to just take notice if the blessings and graces I continue to receive.

When can I see clearly now

It should come as no surprise that I'm stressed this time of year. Money often falls short because of summer activities, birthdays and less hours at work.

    My time also falls short causing anxiety  on my end. You would think I've learned by now to just accept July as crazy busy stress month but I never seem to remember.  I still have this vision of being a kid when summer seemed to drag on forever with nothing to do and it was so boring.   We were so much better at just taking life one day at a time as a kid. No anxieties and stresses weighing us down.   

    I went to Soak city/ cedar point last weekend and I actually felt like I was in vacation for once this summer!!  I can tell a lot of my stressing right now is coming from money stress, I've been having to use the credit cards a ton and I know that it is just more debt padded in to what we already have.

     I just want to feel that exhilaration of being debt free, of being able to use our bank card for everything instead of the credit card for most.   I want to be able to go to dinner and not be concerned if I put a glass of wine on it.  The frustrating part is every time we get chunks paid down then it just adds right up again. 

   I would really need to be working full time but I love being a mother that is home, it gives me the most enjoyment I have ever felt compared to any job. It's the only place that I feel like I truly belong. 

    So the only other option is moving out of this house since that is where all our money goes. Unfort at this point of time if we moved now we would lose money and that would set us back. Plus the latest news of our basement makes our selling price drop to potential buyers so even more money lost. 

    That is the most frustrating part right now, if I'm where God wants us to be then why is it a constant struggle. I see so many families that are blessed financially and it frustrates me and makes me mad.  And not only do we struggle  but my inlaws are in financial struggle as well and that weighs heavy on my husbands mind and heart.

    I know in my heart that God always has a plan but I just wish I could see the financial/job/ living plan alittle more clear.

Family

Family makes me crae crae and I need to dwelve into that more and find healing. But times like these were I am just frustrated and need to deal :(

Just say no

I am learning this lesson of saying no over and over in the past year. I've gotten so much better at it that when I come to a time where I'm not good at it, it throws me for a loop.

    I am not excited about this long holiday weekend I realized because I was trying to coordinate all my free moments to help my mom with babysitting some family members. And now that I'm thinking about it, I shouldn't be spending all my time helping because its my vacation weekend too.  I always extend myself to thin for family and I need to start saying no, setting boundaries and respecting MY family time.

Spirit

It was another usual day at church this morning. The fans were humming and shuffling the dense humidity. The lights were dimmed to help retain the faint wisps of cool air that was entrapped in our small worship space.

   Alan was bored and kept complaining of his stomach hurting so my attention was half on the mass taking place.  I had a few moments were I prayed fervently for my sister and some friends but other then that I was just rolling through the motions.

     Until I looked over my shoulder to where a lady in her late 60's was caring for her two 20year old adopted black handicapped sons- wheelchair bound and immobile.

The priest came around with the Eucharist to those who could not go up for communion and had given them both the body of Christ. 

     I watched as the one son had the aeucharist in his mouth, having trouble chewing and swallowing, she stood there guiding and caring for him so as to make sure he wouldn't choke.  This amazing act of service, caring, grace that happened between them caused tears to well up in my eyes. I was choked up at a special moment that only God and I witnessed but grateful for the experience. It brought me to the higher realm of the love that Jesus is all about. I am beyond blessed for such a wonderful "spirit" moment that God gave me today.

Money stress

I stress about money constantly because we are still digging our way out but then I was reminded tonight that a few years ago... We lost money on the sale of our old house, our <now> house payment was $500 a month higher before we refinanced (how the heck were we doing that????), we had 2 major surgery bills ( miscarriage and broken nose) and Randy's company was put in furlough. And we made it through.... God ALWAYS pulls you through and gives you the grace to look back and say, wow how did we do that?  

  It gives me the freedom to realize that it's not that I'm horrible with my money, it's that life gave us some 'shit' but we are climbing out if it with HIS help every passing day.  Sometimes I need to be reminded to climb out of my selfish he and realize HE always has my best interest at heart if I just let HIM take charge. 

High expectations always turn sour

I'm grumpy today and its Mother's Day when we should be grateful. A large part of it is the fact that I have to work a floorset tonight and I'm not looking forward to it. Also I always have these high expectations that Randy is going to do something fun and different. Why does he even ask me what I want if he does the same thing. My favorite flower is tulips but I never get those, I tell him i love cake balls but I never get those, breakfast in bed, a handmade cd, a poem, but no- I get an iTunes giftcard that I could buy myself. Lamoooooo!!!

  I just put too high expectations that he going to magically turn romantic and it's never going to happen. Last night I just wanted him to GO with Alan and I, so we could have a family night and he just wanted to stay home and drink beer. 

  I just want him to LISTEN to what I want  but he never does that.  It must be Hunan nature that we just always set ourselves up for higher expectations then someone is willing to give us and so disappointment follows. Why do we do that to ourselves, even knowing we are doing it?

Ask and it shall be given to you

I was getting this scripture the past few days and guess what today's Gospel was!
I believe I am entering a new realm of believing that. All this time I've have been wondering why Randy's parents can't get the house loan readjusted and I think, Randy needs to believe it will work or his parents need to believe it will work. Maybe the reality is I need to believe it will be given to them, if I ask and truly believe.

Birds

This year I've realized that birds are my God sign(used to be rainbows). God has been surprising me with beautiful birds of all types lately. I had to laugh as I was having a very bad day and looked out my back window to see 2 mallard ducks in our tiny landscape pond. Thank you God, you are good :)

Spring- reborn

As I cycle back through some of my old writings I am reminded of the cycle of marriage we go through. In 2011 it was bad for us, esp me but right now we are in the "Spring" of our relationship.
I see amazing growth, affirmation and love with Randy right now and the only way we made it through was with God helping us in those dark times. He kept us molded when one of us wasnt hanging on anymore.
I am so grateful for this period of time right now that we are appreciating each other and the love around us, I know that the cycles will continue to come and we will go through greater feats. Right now I am just bathing in the gift of grattitude surrounding my soul.

Enlightenment

I feel like I'm at a time of enlightenment right now. Maybe it's the daily meditations I've been doing or going to prayer group every Friday? Whatever it is, I'm having trouble with the "ordinary" folks in my life. The ones that are consumed by money, saving, jobs, superficiality. I have been seeing the deeper meaning of life lately- how our amazing bodies fuel and work, how our every breath depends on God, that everything we have can be taken away.
It's not that I don't crave those superficial things because I still get those pangs of jealousy when I see someone's new coach purse their husband bought or the Aruba vacation their whole family gets to go in. I'm trying to recognize my jealousy but then let it go. In all honesty- what I have been given as my gifts are amazing- a healthy son, a husband of The Lord that adores me, family that comes with quirks but would be there in the drop of a hat. All the material things we have are just materials, they won't go with us when we die and The Lord WILL take care of us thru anything. If a job was lost or money down to zilch. I have seen how God has kept us afloat in these hard financial years and given us little breaks through it. I think he is still just having me walk the road of trusting him- even when it is through other people. I thank God for the spiritual journey I am walking that is not as 'easy' as the superficial road most walk because this road is filled with such beauty and gratitude that its far more amazing and rewarding.

March roars in

I heart March!!
-lent
-Easter
-spring
-my birthday
-pectin jelly beans
-St party's day

Loss

I came across a post on Instagram today that mentioned miscarriage and it took me to a whole instagram thread on miscarriage that was very touching. One person had gotten a little star tattoo on her belly and I was thinking how neat it would be to get two littlearks( not sure what) on my wrist to remember. It's odd how I kind if blocked that whole thing out happening within three years of my life. But maybe that was how I had to work thru it all, God did do his healing within me but at times I think about it and wonder what if. Many dont even know the burden randy and I carry in alittle part of our hearts but I know and I have the songs that when they come in the radio remind me of the little munchkins that will be awaiting us in heaven. Love u both <3

Quiet moments

I'm finding these few quiets minutes before I head into the rec center to listen to some Christian music or ponder the challenge blog I'm reading about what we can do for our husbands and I'm really soaking these little raindrop moments up. I think that is why I always loved coffee shops- it allowed me to get away from the everyday and just be....
Why is it so hard to push ourself to getaway, to get unstuck from the routines we have , to take alittle extra care to nurture our soul.

Day 3 from time warp wife blog

Today's Vow: To consider your priorities as I would my own.

The Challenge: Place those things that are the most important to him at the top of your list.

Negative thoughts in check

Today's Vow: To accept your flaws with understanding and grace as you also do mine.

The Challenge:
Keep negative thoughts in check by reminding yourself that we're all human saved only by the grace of God.

( from a wife's blogger site)

Laugh

Yesterday randy and I wrestled and tickled for a good ten minutes. It was that deep laughter that fills your soul and I twined in this 'play' I felt this very strong desire to kiss him passionately. It makes me realize how life often doesn't give us the time and chance to play but how our souls need that. It's a way to connect with your significant other that's different then the routines of our lives. I'm currently doing a challenge on Facebook and actually the first day of the challenge matched:)

Today's Vow:
My husband, my treasure, from this day forward I take thee to be my constant friend and companion.

The Challenge:
Carve out time in your day to enjoy moments of friendship.

Candy cane