Post Pardem Depression was my reality

Went out with some dear friends Saturday night and talked about the fun upcoming future coming their way. They are due with a baby girl in 4 weeks. We talked about the nursery furniture, the baby showers, the
excitement and also nerves a new baby brings. We then started talking about PPD and how it was for me.
Although I was a couple of glasses of wine in, this conversation brought tears to my eyes and I realized I haven't journaled about it in a long time and the effect it had on me.

My husband told me .. "I knew it was more then baby blues when you didn't even want to hold Alan or have anything to do with him and the incessant crying all hours of the day".
Pause.......
He continued... "I remember hearing Alan crying in the middle of the night and walked in to see him laying on the changing pad, diaper half off, and you on the floor bawling saying you can't do this anymore".

This was my reality. I remember that night...where just a simple diaper change and a crying baby had thrown me so far over that all I could do was lay in a heap on the floor and cry my eyes out.
I think back now, the love I have for Alan and its hard to imagine that I was feeling that way at that time. But its true, I remember it, raw, hard and real.

I remember the feeling of stone cold loneliness I felt at the time. That no one understood where I was, and that I was locked in this hard shell of unfeeling and depression. It was a horrible horrible place, one that I would never ever want to revisit again. Feeling paralyzed and anxious, fatigued and hyper, gripping the ends of earth for a peace to wash over you and make it go away. Yet it wouldn't go away.

I thank God for friends and family at that time, though I'm sure I don't remember who was around because of the daze I was in. I do remember my friends Kate and Jen coming over with lunch (though I had no appetite) and sitting with me, holding this newborn baby and letting me finally get a few minutes of sleep because for some reason when they were there I got sense of that peace I was gripping for. For the peace and kindness they brought they will forever not know how much it meant to me.

My husband said how different it was from just when we left the hospital, that I was o excited for this new little bundle, holding him and smiling in awe of such a miracle. No one else knew but as I look back I saw how the PPD had started to creep in just a day later from his birth. I remember feeling lonely at the hospital, feeling stuck while the rest of the world could come and go as they please. I remember being frustrated that I could not sleep because it was constant checking of vitals and such. I remember the fear on the last day that we would be packing Alan up and heading home to where there would be no help. I almost didn't want to strap him into that seat because in my head it was a new destination, a scary one, one that I wasn't swarmed with love and joy about. Yes the PPD had already crept in.

Upon walking into the house, that my wonderful sister had cleaned and decorated for our arrival, I was not happy to be home, I was tired..I was afraid because a part of me knew what would be coming in the next week if this horrible monster forming in my head grew more.
And my predictions were right. 
I don't remember at any time actually wanting to hurt my baby, I just remember I wanted him to go away to someone who would "love him more" because I didn't feel it.
I was glad my sister was living with us because I'm sure she took on even more then my foggy brain remembers helping me out.

Thanks to the awareness of my husband who not knowing if this was normal behavior for a new mother but insisted on calling the doctor a few days later to find out.
Because I couldn't...I couldn't reach out and tell people that I was dead inside and that I needed help. Its odd that the thing you need to do you can't because your paralyzed by this depressive beast keeping you unhappy. That is why it is a MUST for people around a PPD person to take action...because they can't.
As I write all of this out, I still have tears recounting this story. It was one of those moments in time that were the most horrible but in a way the most amazing time of my life because Alan was born.

PPD is a real and horrible disease and one that is still not talked about often. In fact it is often looked at alot as all being in the mothers mind or something you just "get through" without help.
This is not the case, its real and debilitating. But you can get through, when you know the signs to look for and seek help.
I guess I'm finally getting the courage to really talk about this part of my life, the one that still brings mist into my eyes because when I look at Alan...4 1/2 years later, an amazing and special soul, I can't imagine him not being here.
Thank you for listening to my story, this is more for my healing process then it is for me to tell the world about.

music and memories

Transferring my cds to my ipod today, a task i've wanted to complete for a long time. Its fun going down the memory road hearing all the songs of my past. I came across a cd that I absolutely love-Natalie Merchant-Ophelia. But I don't think i'm going to keep this cd or transfer the songs. It brings on such a depressed state hearing the songs. I remember when it came out I was a freshman? Dating a guy with crazy tatoos all over his body and our relationship never got very deep because he always at a distance emotionally. So not sure if this is the memory i'm picking up on when hearing these songs or if it was because it was such an unsure part of my life at that point of time? Anyways..I'm saying goodbye to Natalie, thank you for the nights you serenaded me but I can't have you around anymore.

"Ride"

Song: “Ride”
Artist: Cary Brothers

Lyrics:
You are everything I wanted
The scars of all I'll ever know
If I told you you were right
Would you take my hand tonight?
If I told you you were right
Would you leave your life and ride?
And ride...
You saw all my pieces broken
This darkness that I could never show
If I told you you were right
Would you take my hand tonight?
If I told you you were right
Would you leave your life and ride?
And ride...

99 bottles of beer on the wall...

The Garbage bag was removed this morning, I knew what that meant. That last nights evidence was in there and it was taken to the trash can so that I would not see it when I came down this morning. Not sure why I do this to myself but I went and looked just to see how much. Maybe its so I can have that tally in my head to "prove" when we have a silent fight and I blame him and he says I only had a few.
I counted 8...that is what I could see without shifting through the bottom of the bag. and I believe they were the bigger size ones also.
I knew it was going to be one of those nights when he went golfing and starting drinking beer there because once it starts it normally continues. And as I got up from the couch last night to head up to bed he spilled the cereal box all over the floor.
He went golfing yesterday and I thought this would have helped him because it would help get some of the stress out butI guess it doesn't matter.  I know he is stressed, work is firing people he knows, credit card debt is steadily increasing, his parents situation isn't shedding any light.  But why doesn't he see that this just makes it worse because its pulling me away emotionally, physically, one day at a time.  We swear before God when we marry that through sickness and health we will stand by this person. But if that person is not fufilling you and only depleting you how can that be healthy?  I miss joy in being alone together, I see it in other couples how they make eachother laugh, smile so bright that it reaches up to the sky. I don't feel that with him anymore. I feel myself zoning out when you talk to me, I feel anger deep inside without an outlet to be extinguished.

I just want that fun again, I want to remember what it feels like with someone. The passion, the excitment, the butterflies and happiness of a soulmate and best friend.
Its affecting me, I'm prone to depression in the first place but when things aren't right with my relationships I feel like it makes it worse. People from the outside would look in and say its not that bad, he doesn't get violent or physical. But I think what is even worse is he withdrawls. I basically don't have a husband once he starts in the evening. He is cut off and so I cut off because I don't even want to make love to you when its not "you".

anxiety

Stomach in knots on this new journey of life. Step 1!
So glad that the person who is supposed to be my biggest cheerleader is MIA. No words of encouragement this morning, none now.... You know this was a big deal for me, at least how could you not since i've been stressing about it??? Yet where are you? As usual its the everyday stuff that you are never there for me emotionally for. Thank God for all my girlfriends because they at least care to check in and offer me reassurance and guidance. Not sure what in the world I would do without girlfriends.

Fallen Timbers

Blech...

Loneliness exudes from my fingertips as they type the words my brain is exstinguishing.  How can one who has so many wonderful people around her feel this strange empty darkness. When I think of a life I could have, a totally different one, it was said that is my soul's desires.  But a life like that is not attainable right now, I have chosen this path and this is the one I must walk. So how do I make this walk exciting and passionate journey. I crave the danger, the newness, the learning of uncut, thorn covered, undiscovered paths offshooting from the paved road.  The paved road bores my soul. My high is the unearthed treasures of people, culture, places, stories that I have not heard. 

Sadness

Woke up this morning very sad, my heart felt as it was weeping. I was trying to shrug off this wierd sensation and also wondering why because the sun was shining brightly (which it hadn't been for the past week).
As I walked downstairs and heard Randy watching TV I quickly realized why. Today was the 10 year anniversary of September 11.
I did not lose anyone I knew but I still remember the horrible day, watching TV in columbus at my sisters condo, all of a sudden seeing planes crashing into towers. I remember calling my mother asking if she was watching this and she had no idea because her tv wasn't on. Even though I didn't lose anyone personally the heaviness on my heart this morning would have told you otherwise. Sometimes I think I really do "feel" other people's energys. I think that is why I am so sensitive in busy loud places, almost like its overload for me because I'm sensing everyone. I can always tell when someone is off, someone is nervous, someone is mad, not from body language but just from feeling their energy. So on this memorial 10 year anniversary of September 11, I believe I'm feeling the sadness of all those that lost ones they love.

What I want

I need to make my board of what I want to come into my life. Usually you do this with magazine cut outs and posterboard but I thought maybe I could make a blog one!
First I'll list then I'll try to find photos

-Financial abundance...so tired of worrying about finances and Randy's parents finances, I envision great financial abundance because I deserve it. I deserve financial freedom.
-Job with art....I will have a job that is creative, with good coworkers and doing what I love whether that be photography, editing, graphic design, etc
-Cat...yes I will have a cat again one day, I miss having a cat!!! So even if it means I have to get a hairless cat that won't cause allergies
-An older home (1800s?) with wood floors, redone but still maintains the charm of an older place. Also with a wooded lot, barn if I want to have a horse again, and have to have my little watergarden with a fountain. Also a big weeping willow just like the one that used to be at grandma's house.
-A degree in graphic design or something of that nature
-Travel...I want to be able to go see cultures, I love learning about things and seeing new places. I will have the ability and means to travel all over the world.
......more to come

line of events

Sometimes its strange when you look back over a certain amount of time and see a tie in line of events. I'm having one of those moments.
The last time I went to California something changed in me. At the time I was in a harmful relationship though probably one of the most life changing ones. I remember the artist in me reached new heights. My piano playing, my writing, my painting, my photography. Tears were wept often and smiles were rare but a girl grew.  Upon my time in Cali we went to this piano bar Casablanca (sadly its not there anymore) and came to understand that I had to let this relationship pass. I came home and in a few short months we broke up for real and I moved on with life. I got my own apartment (the kind I always wanted), my cat Flannel and I moved in and life started fresh. Its funny because in that short amount of time is when Randy came along, so different from the past relationship that I almost thought it wasn't real or he had alternative motives.
(sorry this is so choppy, I keep getting interupted by Alan and my thoughts are scrambled)
So now on this second journey to Cali, once again something has struck. I have noticed how my inner artist as been trying to show its head lately. I have been wanting to write more, show my pictures, etc.
I am also currently reading a blog of a friend that has had to go through a very painful experience with losing her twin babies at 5 months. I didn't realize that as I have been reading along her journey so of my stuff is coming out. Our second miscarriage was at 4 1/2 months, almost the same amount of time as this girl and her babies. I guess I have buried a lot of stuff since ours happened 3 years ago, I wasn't ready for a second baby so I just chalked it up to the fact I didn't want it so I was able to get over it quickly. But I don't think I did get over it, I think since I've been trying to find myself and what my purpose is again. I struggle between 2 sides...the side that wonders if I am suppossed to be a mother or the side that longs for the artistic before kids side.   Reading this girls blog is taking me on a journey that I'm not even full aware of yet, I think going through her pain is in a way healing a part of me that I have buried. Other wierd things that have happened is I rented a movie last week called "the other girl" and it ended up being about a girl that lost her baby after it was born 3 days later from SIDS. The movie moved me, very great acting and just a touching story. Randy came in and thought it was dumb after watching it for 10 minutes. This pissed me off because he didn't even give it a try. Yet on a deeper level I wonder if there is a part of him that hasn't healed either?
Right now I'm just vomiting all the thoughts in my head, which is making this a very random writing. I haven't been good at journaling in the past couple years so I'm attempting to climb back into it.  This is the blog that I'm reading http://www.colleenslife.com/
Funny that her name is also Colleen....
An interesting thing is her struggle with God, she is very spiritual and I feel like maybe God is speaking to me through her since we seem to share the same thoughts on things.I don't know? Signing off for now....

Tatoo

I really want a tatoo, i've always wanted one but chickened out when I was 19. Glad I did because it probably would have been a stupid one, now I know...I want a small thing on my inside wrist. An inspirational word or name...maybe something gaelic? Maybe a gaelic bible verse? I will have to think more on that.
Red wine has graced my lips tonight and left me pleasantly warm and fuzzy. I love the invitation wine gives me. It invites me in, warms my soul, inspires my muse and leave me wanting more...
if only I could find  a man like wine :)

What no one tells you

#1.)Developments suck- Yes they appeal to the general masses because you can get a nice house for a cheap price but if I had only known all of it. You also get nosy neighbors that watch when you leave and come home. You get people deciding that your lawn doesn't look fake enough and that it should be more fake. Hello people lawns are not suppossed to be emerald green in the summer, did you know there are children in other nations that don't have water and you are wasting it watering your weed called grass???
Honestly the only thing a development is good for is sidewalks for biking your kids...absolutely only thing.

#2.) Marriage is hard ...ya people grow up saying marriage is hard it takes work, blah blahh. But do they really tell you? Its not just hard its sometimes boring! You see eachothers every nitpicking habit, trust me i'm not perfect so I have plenty of these myself but usually you only have to deal with your own. Well here you are having to deal with another persons habits. So what kind of hard work do you have to do to keep marriage alive? That is what should really be told..

#3.) The West Coast is a bunch of political "hippies".  I guess because I grew up from an East Coast family I always thought it was in my blood. Don't get me wrong, I love some of the Eastern states but after my visit to San Fran I have a whole new view on myself. I def go with the flow, I like to experience life and all of its treasures, I hate stress, materialism, fast pace...all of the things that make the East Coast alive. Maybe I really am one of those "Californians" people talk about.

#4.)Cats are smart. yes all of you dog lovers I know its the eternal battle of cats vs dogs. I love them both but got to hand it to the cats...they outsmart even some humans I know.

#5.) To be continued

Tony bennett

I LEFT MY HEART IN SAN FRANCISCO (Tony Bennett)
The loveliness of Paris
Seems somehow sadly gay
The glory that was Rome
Is of another day
I've been terribly alone
And forgotten in Manhattan
I'm going home to my city by the bay.
I left my heart in San Francisco
High on a hill, it calls to me.
To be where little cable cars
Climb halfway to the stars!
The morning fog may chill the air
I don't care!
My love waits there in San Francisco
Above the blue and windy sea
When I come home to you, San Francisco,
Your golden sun will shine for me!

I left my heart in San Francisco?

One look at this picture says what I felt all week...a world away. 

I was quite surprised by this city that threw me for a loop. When I think of large cities I think of hustling and bustling...flashy cars...loud noise....rushing around. San Francisco was different, it was quiet in a way that I have never seen a city before, sure it still had a flox of people running around and lots of cars on the highways but there was a stillness. Maybe it was the fog that rolls in every morning and blankets the city, deafening out the rush madness of life..

The architecture was amazing too, it was like you could see different periods of time walking from one end of the street to the next. Sure they were all on top of each other but not in an overcrowded city living way, but more in a following the mountains this is where the house needs to be built kind of way. There was a mountain behind my sisters house that was the highest point in the city. We walked up (not an easy feat) twice and at the top was this amazing view where it makes you think of how our lives are just hamster wheels turning around and quite insignificant. 
One important memory of the mountain we walked was the aroma of Euclalyptus Trees. The mountain air had a vibrant, fresh, cool minty smell that seemed to resonate with my soul. 

I did not get the feel of materialism in this city, cars were old, clothes were what kept you warm, money was not flashed.  

It was also odd to have a week away from Alan. I am ashamed to admit it was nice, am I a bad mother for saying that I honestly did not miss my child for a week? It seems something I should not write because who can fathom that, but it was a glimpse of a life I once had where I could do what I wanted, go where I want to go. I guess every once in awhile its nice to get a selfish week to yourself. 

This city left an imprint on me, almost as if I took a part of it home in my heart, I have never felt that before in travels. I never would have thought of myself as "West Coast", you could say I've always been an "east coast" snob. But after this trip I have to wonder if that is what I had grown up thinking and what is really true. I very easily settled into this go with the flow, easy living lifestyle that I was a part of for a week.  It made me wonder if I hadn't been so afraid to fly for the sky when I was young and single where my heart would have lead me, maybe it would have been somewhere on the west coast.

I have heard the song "I left my heart in San Francisco" before but I'm curious to listen to it again after visiting. One would think this song is about someone they loved who they left in the city and the heartbreak that followed, but just the title of the song to me relates to a feeling I have.  

Maybe I did leave my heart in San francisco..

Returning to the hustle and bustle of life, and its only day 1 has been quite a jolt for me. The social calendar for the next week is filled to the rim and I almost just want to block off a week of time to just linger on the relaxation and peace that I had been filled with for the past few days. I feel it slipping away fast as the grains in an old sand timer filling up with empty space of obligations.  How do you find that balance of time alone and time with life? I haven't learned how to do that yet, or even know where to begin.

Saboteur?

Saboteurs mean to keep us safe but they take over us and we don't even realize it. Whenever a thought pops up that gives u a reason not to move closer to ur dream is a saboteur. They want to keep you safe so they keep you from taking risks. Aka...I can't open up an art studio, I don't know how, I don't have the money, etc. They are not bad things, they are just trying to keep us safe so we must accept them but move on and release them. So my positive affirmation is...
I will have an art studio...some kind...that inspires me...that does good for people, that is artsy, that gives me flexible schedules, that lets me interact and meet interesting people, and I'm not afraid because this is my dream and I will one day own this dream. Its ok to be scared of that dream right now, to be deathly afraid to post it on facebook, but I will look back at this post in my future and see that I will have grown and allowed myself to fully believe in my abilities. I will start loving myself and not criticize my body, my looks, my mind. I am who I am. I am Colleen, artistic, irish, fashionable, interesting, and returning my passion for life. I need people to believe in me but first I have to start believing in myself because only we can change our path. And sometimes these lows are the only way to make us break through the drywall and see the beautiful old brick that lays inside. To be refinished and shine through. Strength and beauty of the old.

More ISFP....crazy right on!

The Artist

As an ISFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in via your five sense in a literal, concrete fashion.
ISFPs live in the world of sensation possibilities. They are keenly in tune with the way things look, taste, sound, feel and smell. They have a strong aesthetic appreciation for art, and are likely to be artists in some form, because they are unusually gifted at creating and composing things which will strongly affect the senses. They have a strong set of values, which they strive to consistently meet in their lives. They need to feel as if they're living their lives in accordance with what they feel is right, and will rebel against anything which conflicts with that goal. They're likely to choose jobs and careers which allow them the freedom of working towards the realization of their value-oriented personal goals.
ISFPs tend to be quiet and reserved, and difficult to get to know well. They hold back their ideas and opinions except from those who they are closest to. They are likely to be kind, gentle and sensitive in their dealings with others. They are interested in contributing to people's sense of well-being and happiness, and will put a great deal of effort and energy into tasks which they believe in.
ISFPs have a strong affinity for aesthetics and beauty. They're likely to be animal lovers, and to have a true appreciation for the beauties of nature. They're original and independent, and need to have personal space. They value people who take the time to understand the ISFP, and who support the ISFP in pursuing their goals in their own, unique way. People who don't know them well may see their unique way of life as a sign of carefree light-heartedness, but the ISFP actually takes life very seriously, constantly gathering specific information and shifting it through their value systems, in search for clarification and underlying meaning.
ISFPs are action-oriented individuals. They are "doers", and are usually uncomfortable with theorizing concepts and ideas, unless they see a practical application. They learn best in a "hands-on" environment, and consequently may become easily bored with the traditional teaching methods, which emphasize abstract thinking. They do not like impersonal analysis, and are uncomfortable with the idea of making decisions based strictly on logic. Their strong value systems demand that decisions are evaluated against their subjective beliefs, rather than against some objective rules or laws.
ISFPs are extremely perceptive and aware of others. They constantly gather specific information about people, and seek to discover what it means. They are usually penetratingly accurate in their perceptions of others.
ISFPs are warm and sympathetic. They genuinely care about people, and are strongly service-oriented in their desire to please. They have an unusually deep well of caring for those who are close to them, and are likely to show their love through actions, rather than words.
ISFPs have no desire to lead or control others, just as they have no desire to be led or controlled by others. They need space and time alone to evaluate the circumstances of their life against their value system, and are likely to respect other people's needs for the same.
The ISFP is likely to not give themself enough credit for the things which they do extremely well. Their strong value systems can lead them to be intensely perfectionist, and cause them to judge themselves with unneccesary harshness.
The ISFP has many special gifts for the world, especially in the areas of creating artistic sensation, and selflessly serving others. Life is not likely to be extremely easy for the ISFP, because they take life so seriously, but they have the tools to make their lives and the lives of those close to them richly rewarding experiences.

Artisan-Composer -ISFP

Since Artisans are usually optimistic and like taking risks, it takes a lot to get them stressed. But if they become severely stressed, Artisans can act out against others or themselves.
The Promoter can become stressed if their options get closed off and they are forced to work in a very structured environment. Since their highest skill is being tactical in the here-and-now, excessive focus on the future will also stress them. Losing flexibility triggers internal confusion and thoughts of dire consequences. This can cause them to lash out at others and even take actions of revenge. To get back to normal they need to develop contingency plans and get help from others in setting priorities. Says Dirk, "I once had a job that was like a straight-jacket no flexibility. I got out of it as quick as I could. I felt cold plotting anger until I could get out. Now my situation is fluid and life is fun again."
The Crafter is the most freedom-loving of all of the Artisans. They can't stand being fenced in or faced with high emotion. They generally are seen as the strong, silent type. If they don't have the freedom to be alone and independent, they can become hypersensitive to relationships and can lash out in mean and sneaky ways. To get back to normal, they need physical and emotional space. It is especially important that others do not ask how they FEEL. Says Irene, "I was injured in a copter crash. Yeah, I get care and PT, but I want people to back off asking me how I feel. Give me space. I'll get retraining when I'm good and ready. When I decide what to do, get out of my way."
The Performer loves fun and pleasure. Their love of life is attractive to others and at times they become the center of attention. If things around them become too constricted or too sour, it takes a toll on the Performer. They can become suspicious of others and even of themselves. Their unhappiness can seem overwhelming to them and in an effort to become happy, even temporarily, they can binge on food, alcohol, gambling or shopping. To recover they need to seek other avenues for happiness and need help from others in setting priorities. Phony reassurances will not work. Physical activity is needed to get them back in balance and away from the gloom and doom. Says Pierre, "I'm French and always thought I could handle my wine, but when the company I worked for seemed to be going under, I partied and drank too much. Luckily a friend said I'd feel better if I started running with him. It is amazing how it helped to change my perspective. I also changed companies. Life is good again."
The Composer is the most sensitive of all the Artisans to negativity and excessive criticism. Values conflicts are especially painful for them. Also threats of layoffs are harder on them than any of the other Artisans, provided that they like their job and the company. Instead of attacking outwardly, they turn the attacks on themselves and can act in such a way as to injure them. If others stop trying to reason with them, but simply validate their feelings, then leave them alone, the self-destroying thoughts will usually stop on their own. Says Sonja, "When we were told that our division would have to shrink, I started to find all sorts of reasons why I would be the first to go. Luckily my friend said that many of the same reasons would apply to her and asked me to make a pact that we would help each other no matter what happened. Somehow I could then focus on new options. When the layoff list was finally revealed, neither of us was on it. It really helps when someone believes in you and doesn't tell you that you're crazy when you find lots of reasons that things won't go well."

Part 2: Artisan Women
By Dr. Lovegood
"Girls just wanna have fun" is a great motto for Artisan women. They treat romance as they do the rest of their lives - an exciting titillating game. Flirting is a high art form for them as they encourage and discourage the opposite sex. When being wooed, they enjoy novelty, grand gestures, and spontaneity. They dislike the boring and predictable and fear getting in a rut. Artisan women tend to be sensual and enjoy giving and receiving physical affection

"What is a word that comes to mind when you think of me?"
" Inspiration"

Sometimes you wonder if you make mistakes in life.  Or maybe life for me is meant to be melancholy? the romantic at heart finds this hard to believe.   I used to watch the movies, read the books, believe in that romance that was "happy ever after". But how do you know if happy ever after isn't meant to be or if the relationship is not meant to be.  I know they said there is a 7 year itch, so is it just the magic wears off and you have to make it through this period of yuck and wait for what seems eternity for the new growth.?? Or have I changed...realizing each year who I am...what i want and that doesn't line up with what I originally thought I wanted. If thats the case did I make a mistake? Its hard to say that because you don't want to believe you made a mistake. You want to think everything happens for a reason. One of those reasons is Alan...amazing child...I can't imagine life without him. Sometimes I feel closer to him then anyone else in this world. Its the only reason that would ever make me want more kids because there is just something magical about the connection between a parent and a child. Its like they are a part of your soul. Which I guess they are...
I just want to be happy, I want to experience that euphoric happiness that relationships can bring. That joy that another person can fill you with just by looking in their eyes.
I guess only God knows the answer. I've kind of left him in the dust lately because I just don't know where i'm going lately and I think I can do it all by myself. But right now as the tears stream down and my nose is so blocked up from  crying..I think to myself...God...I  need your help. I don't want to be sad.

lay awake

 A certain situation happened this evening that makes me wonder what is the health of this relationship. Is this normal or not? It makes me feel unloved, it makes me feel disrespected, it makes me yearn for a time when only I could control what would make me feel those things. That's the bad thing about relationships, it gives the other person control to either lift you up or tear you down. Sometimes after awhile you get sick of being torn down and you just want to set sail on waters edge and drift away with the tide. Floating ever so slowly that it won't be noticed at first until one day you are far out in the water. Waves lapping gently over your side signaling the presence of peace and tranquility.

     Peace...I heard something about peace at church today, I can't pinpoint what was exactly being discussed, I just know that it centered around peace. And from that is my favorite scripture about the peace that transcends all understanding. I was just reading a blog favorite of mine and the author spoke of the extreme peace and direction she was getting.  It made me jealous because I feel as if I do not get either of those.
I yearn for a strong peace right now, and I don't feel like I have had it in a very long time.

alans fairy garden

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no more babies

Please shoot me now. I'm reminded as I babysit that I do not want anymore babies. Babies are hard work, super hard work. Yep, no more babies for Colleen.

Dogwood Design Studio

So I'm naming it. My design studio that is....
I have started envisioning how it will look. I saw this awesome rug at Marshalls the other day. It was a gray with a gray, black swirl throughout it. I also saw this grayish blue table at TJ Max with a Tin top, antique wood legs. I could see them together on a woodfloor, lots of windows, studio where I will make my designs. Whether it be graphic design or some other form of art, I'm going to do it. I'm sending it out to the universe!

Here are some possible design logos:

took a picture of this magazine cover, I love this card!

Bored in Bed

Laying in bed from the flu. Maybe I was supposed to rest and that is why I got sick. Just seems like I've been getting sick alot in the past year and I'm tired of it. Watching HGTV inspires me, what job do I want, where do I want to go next, when do I want to start it?

Forever Family

All I want is 1/2 hour to be creative but with children this is unattainable.....

uneasy

Its rather strange that the new arrival of Luke brings up such wierd feelings for me. Most of those around me are filled with joy and happiness. I on the other hand am experiencing a pandora's box of emotions. When holding him I did not get that fuzzy feeling of "oh I want another baby" instead it was omg? What do i do? I don't want one!!
     I was watching Real Housewives of Orange County last night and one of the housewives retold her story of PPD. I was crying along with the tv as she told the tale of being in such a dark place. I remember the time I was going through it and how miserable it was. I guess there is a large part of me that doesn't ever want to enter that space again and they say that if you had it with your first child you will most likely have it with your second. 
    I am caught in a pickle of decisions with children right now. Sometimes I will look at Alan and just be so joyous and content that I say wow I would really want him to have a sibling. But more a majority of the time it is me saying " I don't think I can do another child". I still have so many things I want to accomplish, graphic design, art, music, My soul aches to still search the world and see things before health problems occur.
    Maybe it was because I saw the health problems in both my father and father n law. It makes me want to enjoy life now because in a few decades we will be facing health issues we never saw coming and thought we were invincible to. 
  

L-O-V-E

"Love isn't kind acts of gifts wrapped with a bow on top, although love may lead you to do those things. Love means tearing down the separateness and the boundaries between your heart feelings and another person. Love is just a feeling of togetherness and openess in your heart." ~ Ken Keyes

more writings from my past....

Those eyes tranquilized me into a bliss full of fluffy clouds and red hearts.  The words fit him that I was starting at....Sexy...yet Shy.

Funny..yet mysterious..

I seemed to play a game..trying to make him laugh was the winning point.  When I succeeded, it made my soul smile to itself.

As to why I do not know. I guess instinct for we are all born with such a thing.  That is how a dog finds its way home, a kitten never loses its mother, and a child knows the cry of another baby.  We are all one in a web of myserious smiles.  Forever playing with ones hearts whether it be good or bad.  Yet learning the entire time as to why things happen and for what reasons.

     Words just flow out of my mind right now while I type them.  Music so calming taking my body to its comfort and memories.  Always a song attached to memories...some comforting and others sending shivers through my body.

I am never able to let go of memories.  Of all the people I meet I am saddened when I no longer know that person for everyone I meet I connect with.  

Chow my autumn princess. Who wears the vibrance of fall in her hair, and carries it in her heart.

3-19-02
My life is but a book.  With pages worn and withered.  It tells many secrets.  Secrets of the past, of the present, of the future.  I memory of myself as a child, swinging on my Olympic swing set with the big slide.  I was singing "zippedi do da zippdey day, my on my what a wonderful day"...the sun was shining.. I was SO happy.  Uncontrollable laughter seemd to radiate off my body, the sun seemed to reach down and kiss my lips.  Like a buttercup.  Bright yellows.  Tickles...
My book is so easily read if you just look closely at the print.  Its is not printed in English.  But in a language long ago lost, only found by the world of poets.  The people who see others for who they really are.  Who break down societys butterfinger ideal's.  The one's who look close... They see who I am...they can read my book.  The pages wear thin at parts.  Stuck together in the middle some lost and torn out, and yet the ones in the back, not even written upon yet.

 

Thoughts from a dorm room

Feb. 14th, 1999 was yesterday...valentines day... A time when people are either really happy or totally depressed.  I was surprisingly neither. Life is odd. People are odd.... I wrote this yesterday.

     "Do you want a back rub? " I asked Josh while he laid on the couch.
"Sure" he said as he rolled over.
Nothing was running through my mind, just innocent mindless thoughts.  Earlier events in the night had my mind turning.  Hmmm, I just totally said two different things in one sentence.
I couldn't rid the image of her eyes staring into his wantingly.  Not knowing that mine had stared into his a aweek ago.
But for the moment it was just him and I.
I started my innocent back rub while we talked of frivolous things.  Someone burst in through the door without knocking.  It was his roomate Matt, he seemed very upset.  Nothing new though, he was always losing his temper.
"Your friend is a fucking fago" the upset roomate yelled at him.  I stopped my back rub, annoyed at the peaceful silence being disturbed.  Sam started yelling ballistically.  I knew he had been drinking with Josh's friend earlier.  Male egos at work trying to see who was more of a so called man.
"Get him the fuck out of here, I never want to see his punkass again. He tried to kiss me, and make me suck his dick, Fucking fagot!" Matt yelled at Josh.
Just went things were going smoothly for me and Josh. My luck, catastrphe happens. Josh collectively tried to calm down his flipping roomate.  This just make him appear even more sexy to me.  Matt went out in the hall, a 20 year old football player crying hysterically..
I didn't know what ot think.  Did something happen or was it the alcohol?
Josh and I spent two hours putting Matt in his right mind.  Insanity almost.  I look back and it felt like a dream.  The whole nightmare of it.  He listened to his roomate/friend talk about killing his visiting friend.  I knew all that was running through his head was just blame at himself. 
I had one hand on Matt calming his still schizophrenic state and the other on Josh's knee.  Josh's head sinking lower and lower with each insult about his friend.  Not sure who holds the real truth.
    Once again him and I laying on the couch.  Nestled in each others arms consoling each other at the fright of happenings that just occurred.  I grab a came red from its package and ignite the end.  Breathing in the deadly fumes of smoke, exhaling the stress of the night.  His eyes are somewhere far away asking why this all happened to him.  We fall asleep.
    The next day, Matt is normal, yet I know something now.  I witnessed something that only the three of us know about.  Life has changed, made me think. Exactly the purpose of alcohol. Evil it brings? To this I wonder.

      Gathered around the homemade table, each one entertained by a monotonous game of cards.  Purpose of cards, take our mind of things important.  Make us think we are in control of what happens in our lives.  Room filled of burnt ashes, cigarette smoke curls around each one's thoughts kept to one's self.  He a smooth character, his hair soft, his heart soft, his thoughts hard.  Deep, curious yet reason to why he is here.  I am not sure, he is not sure.  Next is Josh, he entered late and is observing the game.  Waching, not wanting to see his roomate and be reminded of the yesterdays crazy night.  He talks to the group who seems uninterested in his ideas.  Does he feel out of place or just anxious.  Maybe relieved that he doesn't have to explain himself to anyone in here.
     Next ot him, sits a biginner at Hearts.  Not getting any beginners luck.  Just trying to learn the catch of the game.  I sit to the right, thoughts unfocused flowing on this paper.  Wanting to sleep for morning will come early yet these crazy ideas pump adrenaline to my brain.
Continuing around the table, is she, innocent going along with the flow.  Part of me frustrated for she takes my place and I once again a third wheel.
     And last is the other she.  Always making sure she is part of the center.  Talking usually of unhappy thoughts she has.  Other times pretending to be someone else.  Happy, carefree, in charge yet really scared.
All of these shape the room of a typical day.  What is each one's danger?...hmmm this is what I am to learn from each.

Sun leads me to travel....

I love sun...I think I love it more then the average person. I almost go into a delusional, reclusive, depressed state when I go days without sun. Which is why I end up buying a tanning package every winter, not for the superficial beauty of being tan but because I need to feel the fake rays baking my skin tricking my body to make Vitamin D. I often wonder why the hell do I live in Ohio where during the winter we see the sun maybe once a week? Though its def. worse in Cleveland, I was able to survive in Columbus because it was sunnier there. But having come back to Cleveland and live here for the past 6 years I've realized weather wise that was a big mistake. 
     I wonder if at some point in time when Alan has moved on, will I move out west or down south?  Its strange how after you have a child your just kinda stuck where you are. You are not your own person that can pick up and go anymore, you now have to decide everything in good will for the child first. I think this is what people don't think about when getting pregnant. You no longer can say Hey lets move to Colorado...well you could..but you will no longer have babysitters, school systems, conveniences that would be hard to raise a child. I stress to all my friends without children to just take advantage of the time, to live your life to the fullest, to travel...oh how I wish I had traveled more when I was younger. I was often to afraid to or had fear that I couldn't do it financially but how I wish I would have tried.  

     People often think they will travel after retirement or when they get older with a spouse, but from what I've seen with my parents generation, that really doesn't happen because illnesses take front stage and travel is not in the plans. So now is the time to spread your wings, to go across country, to fly to other cities.  Its a stage in your life that you will never get back so don't let that go passing without enjoyment. Fly with your soul, fly with your mind, fly until you cannot fly anymore.

The Social Network via Fate

After watching the Social Network and pondering 24 hours later about it, I had some thoughts. At first I found it entertaining and intriguing on how the whole thing got started, who all was a part of it and what has become of it. But this morning I had a thought. Is Facebook messing with fate? 

      I was always a big believer in fate, you run into a long last classmate you haven't seen forever because you were supposed to reconnect or catch up. You never see an ex boyfriend again because he moved away to California and you stayed in Ohio. But now none of that matters. Facebook is not just a social network connecting everyone in the world, its a fate wrecking network that might just screw serendipity forever.  We no longer ponder about "whatever happened to so in so, I wonder what she/he is doing now?" Nope now we look them up, friend request them, write them a note and there you see a glimpse of their life all written out on a page complete with photographs of how they look now.  What happened to mystery and intrigue. I sometimes I wonder if the technological advance is really just helping creativity crawl into a ball and hibernate.  We no longer have to tell stories, we just flip open our camera phone or sign on to FB and there online is the story of last night.

     I recently heard on the radio that social networking is causing jealousy to be on the rise. They were saying how we have always been jealous of friends, neighbors, etc but social networking is putting it all out there in our face. We often look at other people's profiles and say wow I wish I had that or I was there. When I heard this study on the radio I was laughing because its so true! I fear that the facebook generation will be even more envious of each other then any prior generation.

"People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of it.’? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage)

Thirsty

I'm thirsty, I know this... Not for the cold liquid that we drink to fulfill our human needs. I'm thirsty for real love, I'm thirsty for self acceptance. I recently heard on the radio that people are often jealous of other people's lives that they see on face book. And that social media seems to be emphasizing it. As humans we have always been this way but now its easier because everything is right there in our face. And its true, you log onto face book and say "wow, I wish I could do that photography, have that marriage, have kids like that, decorate my house that way, have that dream job". I wonder what this will bring about with the next generation, will it be even more competing then we already do with eachother?

Anyways back to my thirst... I was reading some one's blog that was talking about how she did a fast and it cut out all sugar, processed, caffeine, meat, etc. food. And it also brought about all these emotions as she went through the fast and she realized how she leans on food as her comfort. It got me thinking how my glass of wine or beer at the end of the night is my crutch. When I'm feeling my loneliness from not having a "real" conversation with my husband, then I grab my one or two glasses of wine, punch on the TV and zone into the world that distracts me from what I'm internally craving.  Would I be able to do a fast at night, to break free from the addictions I seek to give me comfort. Even TV would be one, what if I journal ed or read a book each night instead? I have been having this strong urge to go away to solitude lately. I wonder if I'm being called to go on a silent retreat. I think God has a lot he wants to speak with me about but I've been blocking him out with all my distractions lately. I know there are demons I need to face and confront. Just as in the Black Swan movie I saw tonight. 
Today I laughed...it almost took me back by surprise because it was a real true, soul shattering, chest vibrating laugh. I was outside sledding with Alan. The snow was packed with ice from the storm and the wind so Alan could walk atop of it like magic (unfort. I was too heavy and my feet would fall through) I was pushing Alan on the circle sled across the slippery ice and he was loving it. I was laughing seeing him delight in this pleasure he had never partaken in before. Such innocence and adventures children get to experience. Ours long forgotten in the cobwebs of our childhood. I need to laugh like that everyday..

Martin Fit

We often dream of where we see ourselves in some time from now......

I was walking at the mall last week when I passed the Banana Republic store and in the window front was an outfit. Lilac and gray business suit. It had my name on it. When I looked at that suit I saw myself, Colleen Graphic Designer (CGD) Wearing art....creating art....

I used to love reading my Parents magazines which makes sense being a new mom and not knowing what the heck I was doing in this new world of mom hood. ButI've come to a place where I have traded my Parenting magazines in for Glamour and Lucky. Its funny, I tried to read one of my sisters Parents magazines the other day and I found it was all based on fear...What to do if my child is sick, what to do if he is bullied, what recalls have happened on cribs and strollers. And I realized all we need to raise a child is already within our knowledge. And so i'm ready now to read the latest fashion, to focus on myself, my wants and my dreams. I was ok giving up that side of me for awhile to raise my child but there comes a point when you need to lean back on who you are and what makes you tick.