Wearing thin

I give people who go through cancer, chemo, other serious diseases lots of credit.  I don't think I could handle it honestly.  I'm dealing with just simple little nausea(not even throwing up) and it's really wearing me thin.  Unrelenting and keeping me from getting things done around the house, I'm feeling overwhelmed.  It's also bringing up issues of control.  I get things done on my own a lot, I don't like relying on others. When I do it, it's done and it's over.  When others do it I have to wait for their timing, and the project sits there while I stare at it.

    My friends have often told me I don't let others take care of me, and where that comes from I'm not sure. Maybe a large family where you had to fend for yourself a lot.  Living on a farm with lots of responsibilities, or just it's my irish German catholic heritage.  

    So I come to a time where I need to rely on others and I'm trying but those that are helping me aren't good at it.  And it's causing me disappointment and anger at him.  I see a kitchen uncleaned for five days, I see a bunkbed still in pieces, I see laundry in a pile unwashed.  Yet there are many ways that I am being helped.  Getting Alan to bed, taking care of the cars..taking out the garbage.  

   So is it more of a point that no one is perfect, that everything can't get done and that I need to just be ok with that and not control it.

    I was given the scripture last night:  " my grace is sufficient, for my power is made perfect in your weakness"

I read this scripture in three different places in 3 totally random sites so I knew The Lord was giving it to me.  

    I feel that I'm being stripped of things: patience, energy, joy, etc and in that stripping I'm being made weak.  And in that weakness God is filling me and using me for his greater glory.  I whine like a little child because I hate being in the itchy not fun place of life.  Yet if I just focus on the good works that god is using this for then I will make it through stronger.  Because it's all about his grace, and I need to rely on that.

Negative thinking

Sometimes we can get so caught up in our negative thinking that we don't even realize it's grasp. ....

But wait, how can we not realize it, I mean I know what I'm saying and thinking and I know I'm feeling crappy so how do I not realize its tight grip?

I think because when we are in that place of sadness and anxiety, it's so low, it's so dark, it's so scary that we feel almost that we are in a tunnel that has no exit out.  Like we are going to be trapped forever and the fog will never lift.  Which is why it is soooo important to reach out to others to lift you out. 

I was given a simple prayer yesterday when I was in the throes of the anxiety:

Spirit of depression and spirit of anxiety BEGONE!  You don't belong in this body, get out!

I repeated this mantra over and over, and I felt the fog lift.  I was naming the spirit and not letting it rule over me. I was asking for help from God, friends, higher powers to help decrease it's grasp. And it wasn't a "cut loose-

yae I'm free"feeling but slowly, finger by finger loosening- letting go- release.  I guess I'm discovering that I do have the power to rewire my thinking.  My wires became crossed somewhere in the past few years because I never used to get anxiety so it's just a matter of learning how to put those circuits back in place.

I also kept repeating how the feeling won't last forever because it doesn't- and even though it's horrible in the moment it won't last forever

Redemption comes, healing flows, we are released. 

Feeling queasy

Feeling queasy the last couple days- forgot what this felt liked!!

News

Got the news today and it's a mixture of excitement but also fistful of nerves and apprehension . It's hard to read what Rabdy is thinking, it's hard to think if a new plan- I just need grace to keep me calm and guide me through the next change.  We know I'm not a huge fan of change :)