Saboteur?

Saboteurs mean to keep us safe but they take over us and we don't even realize it. Whenever a thought pops up that gives u a reason not to move closer to ur dream is a saboteur. They want to keep you safe so they keep you from taking risks. Aka...I can't open up an art studio, I don't know how, I don't have the money, etc. They are not bad things, they are just trying to keep us safe so we must accept them but move on and release them. So my positive affirmation is...
I will have an art studio...some kind...that inspires me...that does good for people, that is artsy, that gives me flexible schedules, that lets me interact and meet interesting people, and I'm not afraid because this is my dream and I will one day own this dream. Its ok to be scared of that dream right now, to be deathly afraid to post it on facebook, but I will look back at this post in my future and see that I will have grown and allowed myself to fully believe in my abilities. I will start loving myself and not criticize my body, my looks, my mind. I am who I am. I am Colleen, artistic, irish, fashionable, interesting, and returning my passion for life. I need people to believe in me but first I have to start believing in myself because only we can change our path. And sometimes these lows are the only way to make us break through the drywall and see the beautiful old brick that lays inside. To be refinished and shine through. Strength and beauty of the old.

More ISFP....crazy right on!

The Artist

As an ISFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in via your five sense in a literal, concrete fashion.
ISFPs live in the world of sensation possibilities. They are keenly in tune with the way things look, taste, sound, feel and smell. They have a strong aesthetic appreciation for art, and are likely to be artists in some form, because they are unusually gifted at creating and composing things which will strongly affect the senses. They have a strong set of values, which they strive to consistently meet in their lives. They need to feel as if they're living their lives in accordance with what they feel is right, and will rebel against anything which conflicts with that goal. They're likely to choose jobs and careers which allow them the freedom of working towards the realization of their value-oriented personal goals.
ISFPs tend to be quiet and reserved, and difficult to get to know well. They hold back their ideas and opinions except from those who they are closest to. They are likely to be kind, gentle and sensitive in their dealings with others. They are interested in contributing to people's sense of well-being and happiness, and will put a great deal of effort and energy into tasks which they believe in.
ISFPs have a strong affinity for aesthetics and beauty. They're likely to be animal lovers, and to have a true appreciation for the beauties of nature. They're original and independent, and need to have personal space. They value people who take the time to understand the ISFP, and who support the ISFP in pursuing their goals in their own, unique way. People who don't know them well may see their unique way of life as a sign of carefree light-heartedness, but the ISFP actually takes life very seriously, constantly gathering specific information and shifting it through their value systems, in search for clarification and underlying meaning.
ISFPs are action-oriented individuals. They are "doers", and are usually uncomfortable with theorizing concepts and ideas, unless they see a practical application. They learn best in a "hands-on" environment, and consequently may become easily bored with the traditional teaching methods, which emphasize abstract thinking. They do not like impersonal analysis, and are uncomfortable with the idea of making decisions based strictly on logic. Their strong value systems demand that decisions are evaluated against their subjective beliefs, rather than against some objective rules or laws.
ISFPs are extremely perceptive and aware of others. They constantly gather specific information about people, and seek to discover what it means. They are usually penetratingly accurate in their perceptions of others.
ISFPs are warm and sympathetic. They genuinely care about people, and are strongly service-oriented in their desire to please. They have an unusually deep well of caring for those who are close to them, and are likely to show their love through actions, rather than words.
ISFPs have no desire to lead or control others, just as they have no desire to be led or controlled by others. They need space and time alone to evaluate the circumstances of their life against their value system, and are likely to respect other people's needs for the same.
The ISFP is likely to not give themself enough credit for the things which they do extremely well. Their strong value systems can lead them to be intensely perfectionist, and cause them to judge themselves with unneccesary harshness.
The ISFP has many special gifts for the world, especially in the areas of creating artistic sensation, and selflessly serving others. Life is not likely to be extremely easy for the ISFP, because they take life so seriously, but they have the tools to make their lives and the lives of those close to them richly rewarding experiences.

Artisan-Composer -ISFP

Since Artisans are usually optimistic and like taking risks, it takes a lot to get them stressed. But if they become severely stressed, Artisans can act out against others or themselves.
The Promoter can become stressed if their options get closed off and they are forced to work in a very structured environment. Since their highest skill is being tactical in the here-and-now, excessive focus on the future will also stress them. Losing flexibility triggers internal confusion and thoughts of dire consequences. This can cause them to lash out at others and even take actions of revenge. To get back to normal they need to develop contingency plans and get help from others in setting priorities. Says Dirk, "I once had a job that was like a straight-jacket no flexibility. I got out of it as quick as I could. I felt cold plotting anger until I could get out. Now my situation is fluid and life is fun again."
The Crafter is the most freedom-loving of all of the Artisans. They can't stand being fenced in or faced with high emotion. They generally are seen as the strong, silent type. If they don't have the freedom to be alone and independent, they can become hypersensitive to relationships and can lash out in mean and sneaky ways. To get back to normal, they need physical and emotional space. It is especially important that others do not ask how they FEEL. Says Irene, "I was injured in a copter crash. Yeah, I get care and PT, but I want people to back off asking me how I feel. Give me space. I'll get retraining when I'm good and ready. When I decide what to do, get out of my way."
The Performer loves fun and pleasure. Their love of life is attractive to others and at times they become the center of attention. If things around them become too constricted or too sour, it takes a toll on the Performer. They can become suspicious of others and even of themselves. Their unhappiness can seem overwhelming to them and in an effort to become happy, even temporarily, they can binge on food, alcohol, gambling or shopping. To recover they need to seek other avenues for happiness and need help from others in setting priorities. Phony reassurances will not work. Physical activity is needed to get them back in balance and away from the gloom and doom. Says Pierre, "I'm French and always thought I could handle my wine, but when the company I worked for seemed to be going under, I partied and drank too much. Luckily a friend said I'd feel better if I started running with him. It is amazing how it helped to change my perspective. I also changed companies. Life is good again."
The Composer is the most sensitive of all the Artisans to negativity and excessive criticism. Values conflicts are especially painful for them. Also threats of layoffs are harder on them than any of the other Artisans, provided that they like their job and the company. Instead of attacking outwardly, they turn the attacks on themselves and can act in such a way as to injure them. If others stop trying to reason with them, but simply validate their feelings, then leave them alone, the self-destroying thoughts will usually stop on their own. Says Sonja, "When we were told that our division would have to shrink, I started to find all sorts of reasons why I would be the first to go. Luckily my friend said that many of the same reasons would apply to her and asked me to make a pact that we would help each other no matter what happened. Somehow I could then focus on new options. When the layoff list was finally revealed, neither of us was on it. It really helps when someone believes in you and doesn't tell you that you're crazy when you find lots of reasons that things won't go well."

Part 2: Artisan Women
By Dr. Lovegood
"Girls just wanna have fun" is a great motto for Artisan women. They treat romance as they do the rest of their lives - an exciting titillating game. Flirting is a high art form for them as they encourage and discourage the opposite sex. When being wooed, they enjoy novelty, grand gestures, and spontaneity. They dislike the boring and predictable and fear getting in a rut. Artisan women tend to be sensual and enjoy giving and receiving physical affection

"What is a word that comes to mind when you think of me?"
" Inspiration"

Sometimes you wonder if you make mistakes in life.  Or maybe life for me is meant to be melancholy? the romantic at heart finds this hard to believe.   I used to watch the movies, read the books, believe in that romance that was "happy ever after". But how do you know if happy ever after isn't meant to be or if the relationship is not meant to be.  I know they said there is a 7 year itch, so is it just the magic wears off and you have to make it through this period of yuck and wait for what seems eternity for the new growth.?? Or have I changed...realizing each year who I am...what i want and that doesn't line up with what I originally thought I wanted. If thats the case did I make a mistake? Its hard to say that because you don't want to believe you made a mistake. You want to think everything happens for a reason. One of those reasons is Alan...amazing child...I can't imagine life without him. Sometimes I feel closer to him then anyone else in this world. Its the only reason that would ever make me want more kids because there is just something magical about the connection between a parent and a child. Its like they are a part of your soul. Which I guess they are...
I just want to be happy, I want to experience that euphoric happiness that relationships can bring. That joy that another person can fill you with just by looking in their eyes.
I guess only God knows the answer. I've kind of left him in the dust lately because I just don't know where i'm going lately and I think I can do it all by myself. But right now as the tears stream down and my nose is so blocked up from  crying..I think to myself...God...I  need your help. I don't want to be sad.

lay awake

 A certain situation happened this evening that makes me wonder what is the health of this relationship. Is this normal or not? It makes me feel unloved, it makes me feel disrespected, it makes me yearn for a time when only I could control what would make me feel those things. That's the bad thing about relationships, it gives the other person control to either lift you up or tear you down. Sometimes after awhile you get sick of being torn down and you just want to set sail on waters edge and drift away with the tide. Floating ever so slowly that it won't be noticed at first until one day you are far out in the water. Waves lapping gently over your side signaling the presence of peace and tranquility.

     Peace...I heard something about peace at church today, I can't pinpoint what was exactly being discussed, I just know that it centered around peace. And from that is my favorite scripture about the peace that transcends all understanding. I was just reading a blog favorite of mine and the author spoke of the extreme peace and direction she was getting.  It made me jealous because I feel as if I do not get either of those.
I yearn for a strong peace right now, and I don't feel like I have had it in a very long time.