L-O-V-E

"Love isn't kind acts of gifts wrapped with a bow on top, although love may lead you to do those things. Love means tearing down the separateness and the boundaries between your heart feelings and another person. Love is just a feeling of togetherness and openess in your heart." ~ Ken Keyes

more writings from my past....

Those eyes tranquilized me into a bliss full of fluffy clouds and red hearts.  The words fit him that I was starting at....Sexy...yet Shy.

Funny..yet mysterious..

I seemed to play a game..trying to make him laugh was the winning point.  When I succeeded, it made my soul smile to itself.

As to why I do not know. I guess instinct for we are all born with such a thing.  That is how a dog finds its way home, a kitten never loses its mother, and a child knows the cry of another baby.  We are all one in a web of myserious smiles.  Forever playing with ones hearts whether it be good or bad.  Yet learning the entire time as to why things happen and for what reasons.

     Words just flow out of my mind right now while I type them.  Music so calming taking my body to its comfort and memories.  Always a song attached to memories...some comforting and others sending shivers through my body.

I am never able to let go of memories.  Of all the people I meet I am saddened when I no longer know that person for everyone I meet I connect with.  

Chow my autumn princess. Who wears the vibrance of fall in her hair, and carries it in her heart.

3-19-02
My life is but a book.  With pages worn and withered.  It tells many secrets.  Secrets of the past, of the present, of the future.  I memory of myself as a child, swinging on my Olympic swing set with the big slide.  I was singing "zippedi do da zippdey day, my on my what a wonderful day"...the sun was shining.. I was SO happy.  Uncontrollable laughter seemd to radiate off my body, the sun seemed to reach down and kiss my lips.  Like a buttercup.  Bright yellows.  Tickles...
My book is so easily read if you just look closely at the print.  Its is not printed in English.  But in a language long ago lost, only found by the world of poets.  The people who see others for who they really are.  Who break down societys butterfinger ideal's.  The one's who look close... They see who I am...they can read my book.  The pages wear thin at parts.  Stuck together in the middle some lost and torn out, and yet the ones in the back, not even written upon yet.

 

Thoughts from a dorm room

Feb. 14th, 1999 was yesterday...valentines day... A time when people are either really happy or totally depressed.  I was surprisingly neither. Life is odd. People are odd.... I wrote this yesterday.

     "Do you want a back rub? " I asked Josh while he laid on the couch.
"Sure" he said as he rolled over.
Nothing was running through my mind, just innocent mindless thoughts.  Earlier events in the night had my mind turning.  Hmmm, I just totally said two different things in one sentence.
I couldn't rid the image of her eyes staring into his wantingly.  Not knowing that mine had stared into his a aweek ago.
But for the moment it was just him and I.
I started my innocent back rub while we talked of frivolous things.  Someone burst in through the door without knocking.  It was his roomate Matt, he seemed very upset.  Nothing new though, he was always losing his temper.
"Your friend is a fucking fago" the upset roomate yelled at him.  I stopped my back rub, annoyed at the peaceful silence being disturbed.  Sam started yelling ballistically.  I knew he had been drinking with Josh's friend earlier.  Male egos at work trying to see who was more of a so called man.
"Get him the fuck out of here, I never want to see his punkass again. He tried to kiss me, and make me suck his dick, Fucking fagot!" Matt yelled at Josh.
Just went things were going smoothly for me and Josh. My luck, catastrphe happens. Josh collectively tried to calm down his flipping roomate.  This just make him appear even more sexy to me.  Matt went out in the hall, a 20 year old football player crying hysterically..
I didn't know what ot think.  Did something happen or was it the alcohol?
Josh and I spent two hours putting Matt in his right mind.  Insanity almost.  I look back and it felt like a dream.  The whole nightmare of it.  He listened to his roomate/friend talk about killing his visiting friend.  I knew all that was running through his head was just blame at himself. 
I had one hand on Matt calming his still schizophrenic state and the other on Josh's knee.  Josh's head sinking lower and lower with each insult about his friend.  Not sure who holds the real truth.
    Once again him and I laying on the couch.  Nestled in each others arms consoling each other at the fright of happenings that just occurred.  I grab a came red from its package and ignite the end.  Breathing in the deadly fumes of smoke, exhaling the stress of the night.  His eyes are somewhere far away asking why this all happened to him.  We fall asleep.
    The next day, Matt is normal, yet I know something now.  I witnessed something that only the three of us know about.  Life has changed, made me think. Exactly the purpose of alcohol. Evil it brings? To this I wonder.

      Gathered around the homemade table, each one entertained by a monotonous game of cards.  Purpose of cards, take our mind of things important.  Make us think we are in control of what happens in our lives.  Room filled of burnt ashes, cigarette smoke curls around each one's thoughts kept to one's self.  He a smooth character, his hair soft, his heart soft, his thoughts hard.  Deep, curious yet reason to why he is here.  I am not sure, he is not sure.  Next is Josh, he entered late and is observing the game.  Waching, not wanting to see his roomate and be reminded of the yesterdays crazy night.  He talks to the group who seems uninterested in his ideas.  Does he feel out of place or just anxious.  Maybe relieved that he doesn't have to explain himself to anyone in here.
     Next ot him, sits a biginner at Hearts.  Not getting any beginners luck.  Just trying to learn the catch of the game.  I sit to the right, thoughts unfocused flowing on this paper.  Wanting to sleep for morning will come early yet these crazy ideas pump adrenaline to my brain.
Continuing around the table, is she, innocent going along with the flow.  Part of me frustrated for she takes my place and I once again a third wheel.
     And last is the other she.  Always making sure she is part of the center.  Talking usually of unhappy thoughts she has.  Other times pretending to be someone else.  Happy, carefree, in charge yet really scared.
All of these shape the room of a typical day.  What is each one's danger?...hmmm this is what I am to learn from each.

Sun leads me to travel....

I love sun...I think I love it more then the average person. I almost go into a delusional, reclusive, depressed state when I go days without sun. Which is why I end up buying a tanning package every winter, not for the superficial beauty of being tan but because I need to feel the fake rays baking my skin tricking my body to make Vitamin D. I often wonder why the hell do I live in Ohio where during the winter we see the sun maybe once a week? Though its def. worse in Cleveland, I was able to survive in Columbus because it was sunnier there. But having come back to Cleveland and live here for the past 6 years I've realized weather wise that was a big mistake. 
     I wonder if at some point in time when Alan has moved on, will I move out west or down south?  Its strange how after you have a child your just kinda stuck where you are. You are not your own person that can pick up and go anymore, you now have to decide everything in good will for the child first. I think this is what people don't think about when getting pregnant. You no longer can say Hey lets move to Colorado...well you could..but you will no longer have babysitters, school systems, conveniences that would be hard to raise a child. I stress to all my friends without children to just take advantage of the time, to live your life to the fullest, to travel...oh how I wish I had traveled more when I was younger. I was often to afraid to or had fear that I couldn't do it financially but how I wish I would have tried.  

     People often think they will travel after retirement or when they get older with a spouse, but from what I've seen with my parents generation, that really doesn't happen because illnesses take front stage and travel is not in the plans. So now is the time to spread your wings, to go across country, to fly to other cities.  Its a stage in your life that you will never get back so don't let that go passing without enjoyment. Fly with your soul, fly with your mind, fly until you cannot fly anymore.

The Social Network via Fate

After watching the Social Network and pondering 24 hours later about it, I had some thoughts. At first I found it entertaining and intriguing on how the whole thing got started, who all was a part of it and what has become of it. But this morning I had a thought. Is Facebook messing with fate? 

      I was always a big believer in fate, you run into a long last classmate you haven't seen forever because you were supposed to reconnect or catch up. You never see an ex boyfriend again because he moved away to California and you stayed in Ohio. But now none of that matters. Facebook is not just a social network connecting everyone in the world, its a fate wrecking network that might just screw serendipity forever.  We no longer ponder about "whatever happened to so in so, I wonder what she/he is doing now?" Nope now we look them up, friend request them, write them a note and there you see a glimpse of their life all written out on a page complete with photographs of how they look now.  What happened to mystery and intrigue. I sometimes I wonder if the technological advance is really just helping creativity crawl into a ball and hibernate.  We no longer have to tell stories, we just flip open our camera phone or sign on to FB and there online is the story of last night.

     I recently heard on the radio that social networking is causing jealousy to be on the rise. They were saying how we have always been jealous of friends, neighbors, etc but social networking is putting it all out there in our face. We often look at other people's profiles and say wow I wish I had that or I was there. When I heard this study on the radio I was laughing because its so true! I fear that the facebook generation will be even more envious of each other then any prior generation.

"People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of it.’? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage)

Thirsty

I'm thirsty, I know this... Not for the cold liquid that we drink to fulfill our human needs. I'm thirsty for real love, I'm thirsty for self acceptance. I recently heard on the radio that people are often jealous of other people's lives that they see on face book. And that social media seems to be emphasizing it. As humans we have always been this way but now its easier because everything is right there in our face. And its true, you log onto face book and say "wow, I wish I could do that photography, have that marriage, have kids like that, decorate my house that way, have that dream job". I wonder what this will bring about with the next generation, will it be even more competing then we already do with eachother?

Anyways back to my thirst... I was reading some one's blog that was talking about how she did a fast and it cut out all sugar, processed, caffeine, meat, etc. food. And it also brought about all these emotions as she went through the fast and she realized how she leans on food as her comfort. It got me thinking how my glass of wine or beer at the end of the night is my crutch. When I'm feeling my loneliness from not having a "real" conversation with my husband, then I grab my one or two glasses of wine, punch on the TV and zone into the world that distracts me from what I'm internally craving.  Would I be able to do a fast at night, to break free from the addictions I seek to give me comfort. Even TV would be one, what if I journal ed or read a book each night instead? I have been having this strong urge to go away to solitude lately. I wonder if I'm being called to go on a silent retreat. I think God has a lot he wants to speak with me about but I've been blocking him out with all my distractions lately. I know there are demons I need to face and confront. Just as in the Black Swan movie I saw tonight. 
Today I laughed...it almost took me back by surprise because it was a real true, soul shattering, chest vibrating laugh. I was outside sledding with Alan. The snow was packed with ice from the storm and the wind so Alan could walk atop of it like magic (unfort. I was too heavy and my feet would fall through) I was pushing Alan on the circle sled across the slippery ice and he was loving it. I was laughing seeing him delight in this pleasure he had never partaken in before. Such innocence and adventures children get to experience. Ours long forgotten in the cobwebs of our childhood. I need to laugh like that everyday..