11:11

Door blew open and a 11:11 sighting 

I just lost some great writings- fucking app!!!!blogger keeps closing! 

I hate you. I hate that I have to accept it for what it is. Your mindfuck games of mediocrity. Your sense of self worth so low.

You ripped open a part of me that's been buried. I locked it away because it's safe that way, I didn't hurt, but I didn't create either. 

I thank you for shaking my cores pieces out, for allowing the art to flow in all forms because you . You did that.

I'm thankful for the art spilling and sliding, staining and bleeding. 

I know you incapable of even seeing what you have done, of feeling it. Maybe you don't feel, you might have once and you too locked it away to be safe from the pain. And I don't hold that key, maybe no one does because maybe your just a psychopath or narcissist. Or maybe your just you, no one special trying to find your way. 

How can I hate and love you for what you have five. Maybe I wanted to stay buried and safe. I was content then or at least my mind tricked me that I was. Now I feel on the edge of a wave that's growing, I want to ride it, I yearn to ride it but I've never learned to surf. I have this board tied to my ankle and my hands resting on it bobbing in the water but I am afraid to climb it's slippery surface. 

I hate you, I hate you so much for finding me. I hate you but I love u. 

Black and white

We always think everything is black and white, or maybe it's easier that way.  

As the ivory keys dance underneath my fingertips I feel the energy of the notes speak my wisdom. Calling out in longing and tickled as I grace my hands above them.  My soul weeps in joy and tears at the release it sends throughout my body.   A part of me locked away for so long, awaiting the players box to be opened- to hear the chords call my name: they cry out asking where I have been, where is that girl that's been hidden away. The artist who paints her visions, who plays her desires who photographs her memories.  

 

I don't know who you are or why you are here but I thank you for your energy. 

Coldplay

Attended the Coldplay concert last night. It was mind blowing. Even though it was a huge venue they did a great job of making it intimate and not commercialized.  It was one of those concerts where I was so PRESENT that I wanted to stay. There. Forever. Lost in the music, the piano chords, the light show, the glowing bracelets. Their music hits inside of me like the striking of needle on skin. It fills me up with happiness, sadness, longing and joy. It sifts through my body like a wave of smoke wafting by being soaked in and expelled. 

There are some significant songs by them that are memories of life events.  They were the album that came out when Randy and I had just met and I was going through health issues and doubt. And another song was the song for our first born that we miscarried. I remember driving to my parents on Ryan road and the tears streamed down my face mourning the baby we only learned we had that morning listening to "Fix it"

   Their music makes me think of our relationship- our marriage- the ups and downs- the real life struggles that only those that have been together this long can really know of.  It's a euphoria and a dance of positive and negative. But isn't that life itself. Nothing is filled with constant beauty, constant joy, constant love.  And I know if I do not have figured it out but I like that I'm REAL now- that those who really know me know that what you see is what you get.  I'm melancholy and my relationships are melancholy and I will take that over the fake image of happiness that so many to play off. I'm me. 

In darkness the tears fall,

She calls out wanting to be heard 

Continually shut down her heart breaks for the final time. No longer can she muster any energy to make it right. The fight is no longer hers-it's her opponents turn.

Sweet lullaby

The alluring sound of the kildeer echoes through my bedroom window- I'm reminiscent of my younger years on the farm when their graceful chitter would lullaby me to sleep. 

Summertime sounds are upon us and oh how I've missed them ❤️❤️❤️ 

RAIN

R: Recognize what's going on

I live with a high functioning alcoholic and no one in the world knows

I have a wonderful but very spunky 10 month old that gets into everything and is exhausting 

I have an emotional 9 year old that only sees the stressed mama lately

My house is a mess, I can't keep up with it

My period is about to start so my hormones are crazy

I think I have a sinus infection but can't get in to the doctor until they are open

My weekends are full of agendas and obligations and I am so overwhelmed 

My mind is constantly thinking of what needs done, what is overdue at the library, what I have to cook for dinner, what part of the house needs cleaned, answering texts and emails, appointments and sport games, practices , gym time, etc

A: allowing

I allow myself to feel these feelings

Unworthy, anxious, should have it all together, lonely, emotionally empty, sad, exhausted, feel crazy, frustrated, angry, jealous, stressed, like this house would fall part if I wasn't here 

I: Investigating with kindness 

What is happening inside of me?

I think I reached breaking point- being to busy breaks me down, and when I try to rest I can't, because it's often all on me, and I think I'm sick of hiding under the functional  alcoholic rock- yet I'm paralyzed as to where to go- it's like the reaching out of codependency stage.  I want out, I acknowledge what's going on yet I don't know how to get out without a string- I need someone to help direct me and lead me to the waters.

What most wants my attention?

My emotional side is yearning for someone to listen to me, someone to hug and caress me in a non sexual way, to just comfort me.  

How am I experiencing this in my body?

My body is run down, fatigued, achy, my heart is always racing, my mind is always thinking, I do not sleep peacefully anymore. I wake up sweating, I wake up tired, I wake up unrefreshed- and even though I'm tired I cannot sleep

I HATE MYSELF LIKE THIS

"This applies to all of us. When we behave in hurtful, reactive ways, it’s because we’re caught in some kind of painful trap. The more we investigate the source of our suffering, the more we cultivate a compassionate heart toward ourselves and others." -mindful.org

I am I a trap of dealing with an alcoholic 

That is my suffering

"When I recognized how my leg was in a trap—sickness compounded with self aversion— my heart filled with sorrow and genuine self-care. The investigating deepened as I gently put my hand over my heart—a gesture of kindness— and invited whatever other feelings were there to surface. A swell of fear (uncertainty for my future) spread through my chest, followed by an upwelling of grief at losing my health. The sense of self-compassion unfurled fully as I mentally whispered, It’s all right, sweetheart, and consciously offered care to the depths of my vulnerability, just as I would to a dear friend." - mindful.org

N: Natural Loving awareness 

Companion

Uncertain...

It eats at you when things aren't known. 

I want to take action now, I want answers, I want tests, I want to know why this has occurred 4 times in a week. 

I remember when he was born and holding him in the hospital and crying tears because I was worried that something was wrong with him.  There was this look in his eyes, like a wise knowledge that he was trying to tell me.

And tonight I need my other half, I need someone laying next to me comforting me, soothing my troubles and telling me it will be ok.  But as usual the drink has you, even in times like this you can't pull yourself away from its grasp.

And so I hate you, I hate you tonight for not being there.  And I draw upon my inner strength that us women have and its my companion.  

Scent

I walked in Jacks room today and smelled that amazing baby scent.  Alans room had that as a baby too- it's a mixture of baby soap, lotion and just comfort. 

Jack makes me so happy- he's at that age of such innocence and wonder.  Learning and growth and trying to please.  When he only does wrong becuase he does not know- how refreshing to be reminded of this age.  With the big age gap, it's easy to forget about it- dealing with pre teen emotions and drama.  

And then I hear Jack say "yarbage yuck" or garbage truck and I smile to myself- because I'm so lucky, so lucky that God gave me his little soul when he knew I would need it <3

http://thoughtcatalog.com/anonymous/2013/06/a-letter-to-my-first-love-from-a-married-person/

Progressive

The pain lately has become intense. Things have moved to a new place in our relationship, it's always been a thorn but it's gotten worse as all the books said it would.  It's a progressive disease and I understand that now after being married to one for 10 years.  

    Maybe it's also because my head has cleared, I have cut back on my drinking, I have chosen to not be codependent in that relationship and many others.   It saddens me because I fear it will just keep degrading?  My joy right now comes from my kids, they are my saving grace.  

   The scary thing is the feeling of being alone in it.  I've reached out to people but there isn't much others can do, this is my own prison and only I can fight the battle.  

    I am starting to see the physical detoration: loss of intimacy both sexually and emotionally.  I have voiced my concern to him over and over and now he just ignores my pleas.  As a result I've started to ignore him.  If he can't be there for me I can't be there for him.  

    I do not know what our future holds but at this point it's a scary thing as I see a hole that keeps digging deeper.

Wisdom

I'm truly learning that with time comes wisdom.  Maybe some things just can't be learned when we are young, or maybe denial is so strong that it takes chips to knock down the iceberg? Whatever it is, I've made progress.

    I'm walking away from the denial, and I'm learning about how I can make MYself better when some things might never change.  I can't make him stop drinking,but I can control how it makes me feel.  And I'm tired, soooo tired of letting it make me feel sad... And mad... And disappointed.  So I pick up my crown and I place it on my head because I'm my own ruler.  I will not be codependent on you for my own happiness.  I will not pick up your slack to keep things going, to give the shiny impression. You have chosen how to spend your nights and you have chosen your lover.  And I will no longer be weighed down to being chosen second.  I deserve more then that.  And it doesn't mean I do not love you, it doesn't mean I will leave you and it doesn't mean you are a bad person.  But it does mean that it does not have to affect me the same way anymore.  Today is different.  Today I've stepped out of the clouds. 

Codependency

Coming out of the clouds of codependency 

I walk forward, a strange warm sensation tickles my skin..they call it sunlight. It's burning but in a good way, relaxing my thoughts, comforting me in its golden hand.  I'm a little weary of this stranger. I've spent so long under the coolness of the clouds that I'm almost blinded by the strong light. So approachable and why? Why do you want to kiss my lips with orange and send goosebumps across my body.  Why do you want to make me feel so good? Shining with kindness, when I want to throw up my umbrella that used to shield me from the tears of rain. It bends around the umbrella, looking for holes it can peek through.  How does this sunlight bend? Shadows do not bend, they just blanket and keep me cold.  Iced in and quiet. 

I reach out and accept the ray as it extends toward me.  I'll walk with you sun, heal me and refresh this weary soul.