Plans change

     I came up to clean our room and make the bed but Jack wanted snuggles and to be held- Plans change.

     So I am now holding him as he drifts into dreamland, listening to some gentle strumming guitar chords on my Pandora radio station.

     I am still in my pjs, hair in a bun and no makeup because I will not be leaving the house due to our car being in the shop- plans change.

    While I hold this sweet baby boy, I feel a warm fuzzy feeling of content.  I did not know this little child would be part of my life a year and a half ago- plans change.

     When I was 18, I had dreams of what I would be doing in life, I did not have a clear intention but thought maybe I would have a cool loft apartment in the city and some retro stylish office job.  Martinis with friends and a cat by my side- plans change.

     Plans change all the time and I'm ok with that because usually the plans that appear are much better then the ones I had in mind :)

I have everything I need

     The holidays are a trying time.  We are bombarded with items we "want", schedules are busier, days are colder and cloudier and  when our hearts should be Merry,sometimes they are not.

     We make it even harder on ourselves with social media.  Seeing a neighbor go on her fifth cruise this YEAR, when I have not even touched a beach in FOUR years!  Seeing a mom drop off their child at school in a BMW SUV when we are just trying to get my 04 civic to last another two years so we only have one car payment. We are constantly bombarded with these situations in our lives. Yet everyone has their struggles.  

   For us, it's financial "weight".  We have been in a tight financial spot since our first child was born eight years ago, which then compounded by a bad house sale, my husbands company having a furlough and then unexpected medical bills.  (Who knew I would break my nose pushing my son in his toy truck on the sidewalk!!)

  It's easy to get caught up in the "weights" that drag you down, whatever they may be.  But as I was laying in bed unable to sleep and praying.  I felt the words come over me: "You have all you need right here." 

    I always love those moments when the Holy Spirit gives me advice.  I feel a wave of intense relaxation, of peace, radiance - and then the words pop into my head.  HE is right, I do have everything I need.  A precious newborn that brings me so much joy, a smart and healthy 8 year old son, a caring husband who like any man has his faults but genuinely cares and works hard for this family. And I have my faith!  

     I can't take "security" with me when I die and there is no guarantee that you will have it when you need it.  Sure, I would love to be digging my heels in the sand in a tropical destination right now but actually I would miss out on wine nights with friends or pizza dinners with extended family. 

     All I need IS right here, it's my friends- it's my family- it's my parents, brothers and sisters.  It's my daily faith, it's the "card making, crescent roll stuffed 

Brie, and belly laughs out of my kids" nights.

It's all right in front of me: going on vacation, buying new clothes, paying off a debt are wonderful things but they are not what gives me true happiness.  All I need is right in my heart, I just need to allow myself the space to open it up <3

❤️contentment❤️

Where's mom :(

I just want to cry because of how sick I feel.  I hate being sick :( my throat hurts so bad that I can't even swallow.  I wish it was daytime so I could get in with the doctor but I have to wait 12 hours still :(

I really hope I don't give it to Jack :(

Contentment

These are how I spend my early afternoons before it's time to pick up my older son.  There is nothing sweeter in life.  Relishing these moments that pass too quickly and are soon gone forever.

Contentment... This is it.

Rainbows of support

     Buried alive would be the term I would use for life right now.  Not in a bad way, just in a every second of your life is filled with stuff to do.  I forgot how extremely time consuming a newborn baby is.  Yes they do sleep a lot but in that two hour stint there are showers to take, teeth to brush, laundry to run, bottles to wash, other children to feed and pay attention to, mail, bills, appointments, SLEEP- you get the picture.

    I have not officially done my hair in about a week( thank god for messy buns!). I miss my friends and life outside but I know it will return soon enough.  The difference this time around is I am actually enjoying this crazy nutty squirreled away from reality stage.  I am comforted when I hold baby Jack, I am amazed by his perfection, I love when I capture glimpses of his eyes open.  Knowing all too well that this stage will rapidly pass by and before you know it they are 7 years old and not wanting to cuddle.

    Jack is teaching me about living in the present and soaking it in ( esp when he starts pooping mid diaper change!)  that all the other stuff that is messy and undone can stay like that for awhile.  Even though it's hard for me to let all that other stuff go :) 

One of the most amazing things about this birth has been the rally of support, friendship, and gifts that friends and family have been pouring out.  Even though I am in this cocoon I know I have so many people to reach out to if I need them.  It reminds me of the Pay it forward  movement, I feel like everything I have helped other people with is returning to me tenth fold.

     Maybe that was the reason for all the rainbows we saw during this pregnancy.  A sign that everyone's love and support is continuous just as a rainbow stretches across a continuous skyline.

Going home

Today we are going home!  Excited to leave the hospital and start this new journey.  As the joy dances around on this miracle, I feel excited and blessed.  But I also remember leaving this same hospital before, in shock after my D & C from a late miscarriage.  I remember being wheeled out while others held balloons, flowers and a baby.  I was wheeled out holding papers about support networks and how I would feel physically for the next couple days. 

 I'm not asking for sympathy, it was  a time of great growth for me because it allowed me to empathize with others who have had to go through losses whether either never being able to get pregnant or losing a child after pregnancy.  

So on this day of happiness and joy, I also keep in my heart prayers for all those  who have gone through a loss or infertility.  May you never lose your internal fire and keep hope.  God Bless

To shore up what is fragile

"We are your cultivated garden,
You, the Gracious Gardener.
You plant loving kindess in us
and diligently watch over it,
watering it daily with grace
and waiting for growth to follow.
You weed out what is destructive
and shore up what is fragile
Your rejoice in the garden's produce,
Harvesting it with immense delight."
                                           -Joyce Rupp - Fragments of your Your Ancent Name


     I love this imagery of "And shore up what is fragile", I think of the times in my life when God "shores" things up.  The storm comes, waves slashing, the beach is pelted, clouds turning, rain beats down like tears rolling off my cheeks.  And I feel like the storm will never end.  But it always does and left on the now quiet shore are the glass bottles of "my stuff" that God wanted me to get out.
Without these storms, "the stuff" would just float endlessly bouncing upon the next wave ignored deep out at sea.  But by bringing it to the shore I see it, pick it up, look inside and acknowledge God to heal it. 


    I believe in the storm times of our lives its all based on fears.  Can I handle this? What is next? I feel alone! Is there hope and redemption?  There is always redemption, maybe not as quickly as we would like.  There is always a peace I feel after my turbulent storms with God.  There is always another board added to the bridge ot trust between God and I.

Birds at the feeder

I felt my lungs inflate with the onrush of scenery—air, mountains, trees, people. I thought, "This is what it is to be happy." 

Sylvia Plath

Princess and the pea

     As I head into week 25 of the pregnancy (can't believe I'm almost 7 months now!!), I'm starting the "uncomfortable" phase.  If there is one thing about my personality, it is that I like to be comfortable.  I am the princess and the pea!  It blows my mind that this little baby is going to continue to grow and I'm going to continue to grow for another couple months! 

    My latest "mantra" has been trying to not complain about things, appreciating everything I have and everything around me.   This is an easy process when you feel good and the weather is great.  This becomes a challenge when physically your body starts feeling like someone is pumping up a hot air balloon inside your stomach and it's extending up into your lungs.  So how do I make it through this?  
I guess try to preoccupy myself with other things, keep telling myself it's temporary, practice thankfulness that the baby is still in me and not born prematurely and in need of oxygenand feeding   tubes.  Even through all this, I still have to just vent alittle and say "waaaa", I don't like it!!

     But just like all things in life, stretching to the uncomfortable stage always brings us to a better place.  I will keep repeating my mantras and one day look back at how fast this time really did go.  Until then... Does anyone have a pin to pop me ?? :)

Birthday!!

One of my favorite texts I got today- love my parents SO much !!! Also Alan brought me breakfast in bed all on his own- it melted my heart!!!

If I flee on mornings wings

Love this song by Fernando Ortega:

"If to Heaven's heights I fly

You are still beside me,

Or in death's dark shadows lie,

You will stay close by me.

If I flee on morning wings

Far across the gray sea,

Even there your hand will lead,

Your right hand will guide me."

Life is one big cycle, let yourself ride through it

    Everything in this life on earth is a cycle. We are born, we live, we die.  We learn, learn again, and learn some more.  As I gain more wisdom with my time here, I have started to see how relationships, emotions, friendships, families, and of course even the moon all go through cycles.  The one that I see this the most with is my marriage.  I remember reading somewhere how marriages go through cycles, one of the ways it was described was below:
.
     Passion

Realization

Rebellion

Cooperation

Reunion

Explosion

Completion

This goes over and over again through the course of your married years.  Some make it through this, some fall apart.  It has been really neat seeing the cycles rotate through (though not fun at times).  One thing it has given me though is hope, even in those times when your in the muck and just not feeling it, just remember that you will "cycle" through that period and be back in a period of passion or reunion, or whatever it might be.


    As I have talked about before in my blogs, my husband and I went through a miscarriage around the time that our first born was a year and half old.  I have realized over the past 6 years that I was going through a cycle of mourning that whole time.  I didn't know I was, I thought I had completed the mourning and moved on but I know now that that was not the case.  We are currently pregnant (17 weeks) and I am seeing the healing that this pregnancy is providing me from the miscarriage.  I have started to get excited, feeling the movements, looking at strollers and clothes and thinking of the future giggles we are going greet with excited giggles of our own.
 
    When this pregnancy started that was not the case, I was a raging case of hormones, scared, intimidated, worried.  As was Randy.  I was able to conquer it a little faster then him and I was mad that he was not as excited and happy as I was.  But just as we are all different human beings, we all take different time for things.  He took a little longer to get used to the change, and it did come.  I have seen him so happy the past couple weeks and so proud to announce to people.  I have seen how it is changing our marriage for the better, its allowing us both to heal from the miscarriage.  Its allowing us to have joy in a creation we made together.  I'm not saying that its the perfect marriage now and we are forever happy because that is disillusionment.  I know there are going to be many more rough times, many more growing times but as of right now I'm resting in this "cycle" of just adoration for this tiny being that is being formed in utero.


    What does this mean for all of us? It means that we need to push through, we need to allow ourselves the growth that is taking place.  We need to let thorns push their tiny spines through our skin piercing it and making it bleed.  We need to allow that pain, the suffering to reshape the vine.  I promise if you do let that happen then you will be rewarded with a beautiful, bold, velvety soft flower blossoming on your soul.  It will reach for the sky, waive to the sun and kiss the raindrops.  And just as the cycle continues, it will reach its end, shrivel softly, into tiny dried bits and fall back to the earth.  But it won't disappear....it will disinigrate into tiny microscopic pieces that will then nourish the next thorny vine.  The cycle will continue, the cycle will be blessed if you let it.


   


   
   
   

Fathers and for fathers

   I was brought to tears this morning by a very simple text. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones but it's also just the sure fact that I love my dad so much.  I had texted my father that I would be dropping my son off around lunch to run to an appointment.  My father is not a texter but he quickly responded "I'll be here, love dad".

   I am so grateful for the moments I have with him since we almost lost him around 7 year ago due to health problems.  God has healed him and not only physically but I think he healed a lot emotionally.  He was always a loving father, strict as a dad should be, maybe not the most easy to talk to but every now and then great wisdom would pour out just when you needed to hear it.  He had a rough childhood so it's pretty amazing he turned into the old softie he is now.

    I remember that dark night in the ICU when he was unresponsive, the priest had been called in for last rites and I stood over him, praying for his return while comforting my moms avalanche of tears.  I heard him speak to me- soul to soul... He said "tell your mom I'm ok.  I love you cutie"

    "Cutie" is my dads term for me, and I have now found myself calling my own son that near and dear term.   I can't explain the peace I had after I heard that, knowing that he was going to be ok no matter what.  On a positive note he did end up making it through that night and is here 7 years later living the rest of his life out. 

  I know the day will come, and it's not that far away when he will be taken to heaven and we will shed many tears but I am also so grateful for the life he gave me, the wisdom he has taught me and the love he has shown me.

  I am who I am because of his direction in my life.  I love you dad, with all my heart.

Cabin fever

We are having our 8th snow day this winter, that's how bad a winter it has been.  Being pregnant on top of it doesn't help because you just don't have the energy to do anything yet your so sick if laying around.  I feel bad for Alan because he is bored out of his mind too. I hate when I feel like this.  Truley hope we have an early spring so I can get outside, smell fresh air and not be so bored.

Snow rollers

Two nights ago we had special weather conditions that made "snow rollers".  I like to think of these as God's little snowmen he was making for all is us since the rather has been too chilly for us to make snowmen.  Just another way that God shows constantly in our lives how much he adores and cares for us.  Ask him this week to show you the little ways he cares, let yours eyes be opened :)

Age 7- the age of demon child

My son turned 7 in December and the witching hour has not ceased.  It's like another child has inhabited him and taken over! I miss my sweet 6 year old that was good tempered and lighthearted.  Now I'm dealing with a stubborn, fidgety, demon child! It reminds me if when he was 2-3 years old and was such a pistol.  I remember thinking I could not handle it but he made it through and things got better.  So I'm writing this to remind myself that this to shall pass and one day I will forget about the hellish days of this 7 year old!