Song: “Ride”
Artist: Cary Brothers
Lyrics:
You are everything I wanted
The scars of all I'll ever know
If I told you you were right
Would you take my hand tonight?
If I told you you were right
Would you leave your life and ride?
And ride...
You saw all my pieces broken
This darkness that I could never show
If I told you you were right
Would you take my hand tonight?
If I told you you were right
Would you leave your life and ride?
And ride...
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
99 bottles of beer on the wall...
The Garbage bag was removed this morning, I knew what that meant. That last nights evidence was in there and it was taken to the trash can so that I would not see it when I came down this morning. Not sure why I do this to myself but I went and looked just to see how much. Maybe its so I can have that tally in my head to "prove" when we have a silent fight and I blame him and he says I only had a few.
I counted 8...that is what I could see without shifting through the bottom of the bag. and I believe they were the bigger size ones also.
I knew it was going to be one of those nights when he went golfing and starting drinking beer there because once it starts it normally continues. And as I got up from the couch last night to head up to bed he spilled the cereal box all over the floor.
He went golfing yesterday and I thought this would have helped him because it would help get some of the stress out butI guess it doesn't matter. I know he is stressed, work is firing people he knows, credit card debt is steadily increasing, his parents situation isn't shedding any light. But why doesn't he see that this just makes it worse because its pulling me away emotionally, physically, one day at a time. We swear before God when we marry that through sickness and health we will stand by this person. But if that person is not fufilling you and only depleting you how can that be healthy? I miss joy in being alone together, I see it in other couples how they make eachother laugh, smile so bright that it reaches up to the sky. I don't feel that with him anymore. I feel myself zoning out when you talk to me, I feel anger deep inside without an outlet to be extinguished.
I just want that fun again, I want to remember what it feels like with someone. The passion, the excitment, the butterflies and happiness of a soulmate and best friend.
Its affecting me, I'm prone to depression in the first place but when things aren't right with my relationships I feel like it makes it worse. People from the outside would look in and say its not that bad, he doesn't get violent or physical. But I think what is even worse is he withdrawls. I basically don't have a husband once he starts in the evening. He is cut off and so I cut off because I don't even want to make love to you when its not "you".
I counted 8...that is what I could see without shifting through the bottom of the bag. and I believe they were the bigger size ones also.
I knew it was going to be one of those nights when he went golfing and starting drinking beer there because once it starts it normally continues. And as I got up from the couch last night to head up to bed he spilled the cereal box all over the floor.
He went golfing yesterday and I thought this would have helped him because it would help get some of the stress out butI guess it doesn't matter. I know he is stressed, work is firing people he knows, credit card debt is steadily increasing, his parents situation isn't shedding any light. But why doesn't he see that this just makes it worse because its pulling me away emotionally, physically, one day at a time. We swear before God when we marry that through sickness and health we will stand by this person. But if that person is not fufilling you and only depleting you how can that be healthy? I miss joy in being alone together, I see it in other couples how they make eachother laugh, smile so bright that it reaches up to the sky. I don't feel that with him anymore. I feel myself zoning out when you talk to me, I feel anger deep inside without an outlet to be extinguished.
I just want that fun again, I want to remember what it feels like with someone. The passion, the excitment, the butterflies and happiness of a soulmate and best friend.
Its affecting me, I'm prone to depression in the first place but when things aren't right with my relationships I feel like it makes it worse. People from the outside would look in and say its not that bad, he doesn't get violent or physical. But I think what is even worse is he withdrawls. I basically don't have a husband once he starts in the evening. He is cut off and so I cut off because I don't even want to make love to you when its not "you".
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
anxiety
Stomach in knots on this new journey of life. Step 1!
So glad that the person who is supposed to be my biggest cheerleader is MIA. No words of encouragement this morning, none now.... You know this was a big deal for me, at least how could you not since i've been stressing about it??? Yet where are you? As usual its the everyday stuff that you are never there for me emotionally for. Thank God for all my girlfriends because they at least care to check in and offer me reassurance and guidance. Not sure what in the world I would do without girlfriends.
So glad that the person who is supposed to be my biggest cheerleader is MIA. No words of encouragement this morning, none now.... You know this was a big deal for me, at least how could you not since i've been stressing about it??? Yet where are you? As usual its the everyday stuff that you are never there for me emotionally for. Thank God for all my girlfriends because they at least care to check in and offer me reassurance and guidance. Not sure what in the world I would do without girlfriends.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Fallen Timbers
Blech...
Loneliness exudes from my fingertips as they type the words my brain is exstinguishing. How can one who has so many wonderful people around her feel this strange empty darkness. When I think of a life I could have, a totally different one, it was said that is my soul's desires. But a life like that is not attainable right now, I have chosen this path and this is the one I must walk. So how do I make this walk exciting and passionate journey. I crave the danger, the newness, the learning of uncut, thorn covered, undiscovered paths offshooting from the paved road. The paved road bores my soul. My high is the unearthed treasures of people, culture, places, stories that I have not heard.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Sadness
Woke up this morning very sad, my heart felt as it was weeping. I was trying to shrug off this wierd sensation and also wondering why because the sun was shining brightly (which it hadn't been for the past week).
As I walked downstairs and heard Randy watching TV I quickly realized why. Today was the 10 year anniversary of September 11.
I did not lose anyone I knew but I still remember the horrible day, watching TV in columbus at my sisters condo, all of a sudden seeing planes crashing into towers. I remember calling my mother asking if she was watching this and she had no idea because her tv wasn't on. Even though I didn't lose anyone personally the heaviness on my heart this morning would have told you otherwise. Sometimes I think I really do "feel" other people's energys. I think that is why I am so sensitive in busy loud places, almost like its overload for me because I'm sensing everyone. I can always tell when someone is off, someone is nervous, someone is mad, not from body language but just from feeling their energy. So on this memorial 10 year anniversary of September 11, I believe I'm feeling the sadness of all those that lost ones they love.
As I walked downstairs and heard Randy watching TV I quickly realized why. Today was the 10 year anniversary of September 11.
I did not lose anyone I knew but I still remember the horrible day, watching TV in columbus at my sisters condo, all of a sudden seeing planes crashing into towers. I remember calling my mother asking if she was watching this and she had no idea because her tv wasn't on. Even though I didn't lose anyone personally the heaviness on my heart this morning would have told you otherwise. Sometimes I think I really do "feel" other people's energys. I think that is why I am so sensitive in busy loud places, almost like its overload for me because I'm sensing everyone. I can always tell when someone is off, someone is nervous, someone is mad, not from body language but just from feeling their energy. So on this memorial 10 year anniversary of September 11, I believe I'm feeling the sadness of all those that lost ones they love.
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