Progressive

The pain lately has become intense. Things have moved to a new place in our relationship, it's always been a thorn but it's gotten worse as all the books said it would.  It's a progressive disease and I understand that now after being married to one for 10 years.  

    Maybe it's also because my head has cleared, I have cut back on my drinking, I have chosen to not be codependent in that relationship and many others.   It saddens me because I fear it will just keep degrading?  My joy right now comes from my kids, they are my saving grace.  

   The scary thing is the feeling of being alone in it.  I've reached out to people but there isn't much others can do, this is my own prison and only I can fight the battle.  

    I am starting to see the physical detoration: loss of intimacy both sexually and emotionally.  I have voiced my concern to him over and over and now he just ignores my pleas.  As a result I've started to ignore him.  If he can't be there for me I can't be there for him.  

    I do not know what our future holds but at this point it's a scary thing as I see a hole that keeps digging deeper.