uneasy

Its rather strange that the new arrival of Luke brings up such wierd feelings for me. Most of those around me are filled with joy and happiness. I on the other hand am experiencing a pandora's box of emotions. When holding him I did not get that fuzzy feeling of "oh I want another baby" instead it was omg? What do i do? I don't want one!!
     I was watching Real Housewives of Orange County last night and one of the housewives retold her story of PPD. I was crying along with the tv as she told the tale of being in such a dark place. I remember the time I was going through it and how miserable it was. I guess there is a large part of me that doesn't ever want to enter that space again and they say that if you had it with your first child you will most likely have it with your second. 
    I am caught in a pickle of decisions with children right now. Sometimes I will look at Alan and just be so joyous and content that I say wow I would really want him to have a sibling. But more a majority of the time it is me saying " I don't think I can do another child". I still have so many things I want to accomplish, graphic design, art, music, My soul aches to still search the world and see things before health problems occur.
    Maybe it was because I saw the health problems in both my father and father n law. It makes me want to enjoy life now because in a few decades we will be facing health issues we never saw coming and thought we were invincible to.