line of events

Sometimes its strange when you look back over a certain amount of time and see a tie in line of events. I'm having one of those moments.
The last time I went to California something changed in me. At the time I was in a harmful relationship though probably one of the most life changing ones. I remember the artist in me reached new heights. My piano playing, my writing, my painting, my photography. Tears were wept often and smiles were rare but a girl grew.  Upon my time in Cali we went to this piano bar Casablanca (sadly its not there anymore) and came to understand that I had to let this relationship pass. I came home and in a few short months we broke up for real and I moved on with life. I got my own apartment (the kind I always wanted), my cat Flannel and I moved in and life started fresh. Its funny because in that short amount of time is when Randy came along, so different from the past relationship that I almost thought it wasn't real or he had alternative motives.
(sorry this is so choppy, I keep getting interupted by Alan and my thoughts are scrambled)
So now on this second journey to Cali, once again something has struck. I have noticed how my inner artist as been trying to show its head lately. I have been wanting to write more, show my pictures, etc.
I am also currently reading a blog of a friend that has had to go through a very painful experience with losing her twin babies at 5 months. I didn't realize that as I have been reading along her journey so of my stuff is coming out. Our second miscarriage was at 4 1/2 months, almost the same amount of time as this girl and her babies. I guess I have buried a lot of stuff since ours happened 3 years ago, I wasn't ready for a second baby so I just chalked it up to the fact I didn't want it so I was able to get over it quickly. But I don't think I did get over it, I think since I've been trying to find myself and what my purpose is again. I struggle between 2 sides...the side that wonders if I am suppossed to be a mother or the side that longs for the artistic before kids side.   Reading this girls blog is taking me on a journey that I'm not even full aware of yet, I think going through her pain is in a way healing a part of me that I have buried. Other wierd things that have happened is I rented a movie last week called "the other girl" and it ended up being about a girl that lost her baby after it was born 3 days later from SIDS. The movie moved me, very great acting and just a touching story. Randy came in and thought it was dumb after watching it for 10 minutes. This pissed me off because he didn't even give it a try. Yet on a deeper level I wonder if there is a part of him that hasn't healed either?
Right now I'm just vomiting all the thoughts in my head, which is making this a very random writing. I haven't been good at journaling in the past couple years so I'm attempting to climb back into it.  This is the blog that I'm reading http://www.colleenslife.com/
Funny that her name is also Colleen....
An interesting thing is her struggle with God, she is very spiritual and I feel like maybe God is speaking to me through her since we seem to share the same thoughts on things.I don't know? Signing off for now....