99 bottles of beer on the wall...

The Garbage bag was removed this morning, I knew what that meant. That last nights evidence was in there and it was taken to the trash can so that I would not see it when I came down this morning. Not sure why I do this to myself but I went and looked just to see how much. Maybe its so I can have that tally in my head to "prove" when we have a silent fight and I blame him and he says I only had a few.
I counted 8...that is what I could see without shifting through the bottom of the bag. and I believe they were the bigger size ones also.
I knew it was going to be one of those nights when he went golfing and starting drinking beer there because once it starts it normally continues. And as I got up from the couch last night to head up to bed he spilled the cereal box all over the floor.
He went golfing yesterday and I thought this would have helped him because it would help get some of the stress out butI guess it doesn't matter.  I know he is stressed, work is firing people he knows, credit card debt is steadily increasing, his parents situation isn't shedding any light.  But why doesn't he see that this just makes it worse because its pulling me away emotionally, physically, one day at a time.  We swear before God when we marry that through sickness and health we will stand by this person. But if that person is not fufilling you and only depleting you how can that be healthy?  I miss joy in being alone together, I see it in other couples how they make eachother laugh, smile so bright that it reaches up to the sky. I don't feel that with him anymore. I feel myself zoning out when you talk to me, I feel anger deep inside without an outlet to be extinguished.

I just want that fun again, I want to remember what it feels like with someone. The passion, the excitment, the butterflies and happiness of a soulmate and best friend.
Its affecting me, I'm prone to depression in the first place but when things aren't right with my relationships I feel like it makes it worse. People from the outside would look in and say its not that bad, he doesn't get violent or physical. But I think what is even worse is he withdrawls. I basically don't have a husband once he starts in the evening. He is cut off and so I cut off because I don't even want to make love to you when its not "you".