Sometimes you wonder if you make mistakes in life.  Or maybe life for me is meant to be melancholy? the romantic at heart finds this hard to believe.   I used to watch the movies, read the books, believe in that romance that was "happy ever after". But how do you know if happy ever after isn't meant to be or if the relationship is not meant to be.  I know they said there is a 7 year itch, so is it just the magic wears off and you have to make it through this period of yuck and wait for what seems eternity for the new growth.?? Or have I changed...realizing each year who I am...what i want and that doesn't line up with what I originally thought I wanted. If thats the case did I make a mistake? Its hard to say that because you don't want to believe you made a mistake. You want to think everything happens for a reason. One of those reasons is Alan...amazing child...I can't imagine life without him. Sometimes I feel closer to him then anyone else in this world. Its the only reason that would ever make me want more kids because there is just something magical about the connection between a parent and a child. Its like they are a part of your soul. Which I guess they are...
I just want to be happy, I want to experience that euphoric happiness that relationships can bring. That joy that another person can fill you with just by looking in their eyes.
I guess only God knows the answer. I've kind of left him in the dust lately because I just don't know where i'm going lately and I think I can do it all by myself. But right now as the tears stream down and my nose is so blocked up from  crying..I think to myself...God...I  need your help. I don't want to be sad.